This evening we planned to buy Christmas gifts for Jacob and donate them to Toys for Tots. We did this last year as well. We went to Toys R Us and it was really fun until it came time to leave the gifts. Then, it was heartbreaking. Still I felt glad that we were starting what I hope will be a tradition for many years to come.
This year it didn't go as smoothly as we planned/hoped. It seemed we never had a free evening available. We tried to go last Saturday afternoon, but the lines were out-of-control, so we rescheduled for tonight.
Tonight there were still a few bumps. Drew ended up having to stay later than expected at work, but I didn't get the message because I was tied up on the phone with a childhood friend who was in the middle of a paranoid episode (I had no idea she had this issue). I drove downtown thinking Andrew would probably be ready when I got there. He wasn't.
I ended up spending a lot of time parked near the Mall in DC, on the phone alternately with Texan cops and my unfortunate friend, while Alaina slept and Liz listened to Junie B. Jones.
When Drew was finally available we headed to Target to get gifts (right around bedtime). Liz was not into picking out toys for Jake (so different than from year). She just wanted to look at toys for herself. Also, while we were there I got a disturbing call from my friend who I think was in the process of being committed somewhere.
Finally, we dropped the toys off at a local fire station.
Through the whole experience I alternated between feeling sad that we weren't buying toys for our living, little boy's second Christmas and ruminating on all the pain and hardship he has avoided: no feeling sad because mommy doesn't respond quick enough to his crying, no being bullied or ignored at school, no physical pain or mental illness or rejection. Sometimes thinking of all the unpleasant things Jacob is missing feels comforting to me when I start to get down about all the wonderful things we are missing because he is not here.
4 comments:
I am glad that you all did this again this Christmas. Even if it was not under the most ideal circumstances. I think it will be a very meaningful tradition that you all have started!
Another wonderful tradition. I think it is such a kind way to remember your son.
Sorry it wasn't so easy last night. The important thing was that you did it, and I think as Liz grows, she will understand it better. Good luck on your drive-we will miss you lots!!
I didn't know that you did this. I think it is a wonderful way to remember Jacob every year, and to help other children in need. What a great idea.
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