The Weekend

Last Friday night Liz had her Brownie campout. And loved it--despite the cold, despite the rain, despite her late night homesickness. (The following camp pix are from Marco V).Most the girls had a parent spend the night, but Drew and I couldn't because he had ski patrol training early the next morning.He did however spend the evening at the campsite teaching the girls first aid (and showing them his freaky nose trick when Liz brought it up--it's a great party trick). Also over the weekend I survived taking all the girls to a visiting teaching appointment and to stake conference on my own. I also managed to finally remove all the flowers from Lainey's birthday party last month, but not before I got some pix of her in lady bug suit.

Jake's cupcakes

Yesterday . . .

was Jacob's birthday and it was life as normal. No tears, but I thought of him often. I had quiet moments to myself to contemplate him--when I made his birthday cupcakes, when I pulled the baby blanket I made him out of storage and examined it--but even with the craziness of chasing after my little girls (yes Lainey wore her jammies and a dress-up "kirt" all day) I thought of him. Mostly I contemplated what could have been, what will be, my regret at not bringing Lizzie to the hospital to see her dead brother, and ways I can be a parent to him even now. I also thought about how far we've come as a family and as individuals, emotionally speaking. I remember the paralysing grief and guilt of much of the first year and how hard it was to go to sleep at night because then I was alone with my awful thoughts. . . . I remember people trying to comfort me and telling me that I had a baby and in my head I thought, no, I had a corpse. Even from the begining I knew I could survive it, that we woud "make it through" our loss, but I dreaded the "going through" part. Now, here I am with two more little girls and sometimes what happened with Jacob feels like just bad dream. . . . Usually it feels very real though. It just doesn't hurt like it used to. Yesterday, a friend realized what day it was and asked if I was okay. I told her I was and I really, truly was. While I felt some saddness and regret and frustration, I mostly felt at peace with what is. And it felt good to think of my son and honor his memory with those thoughts and to strive to make him known to (and remembered by) his sisters.

Jacob would have turned four this year. That's how old Liz was when we lost him so she was old enough to remember it. Naturally, Jake isn't even on Ellie's radar. All she knows is we sang a fun song after dinner last night and she got a cupcake. Alaina is still pretty confused. A few days ago Liz tried to explain about their dead brother. She seemed to try to soften the blow by telling Lainey that Jacob is with their other Nana and Papa in Heaven, a wonderful, happy place. But comprehending the existence of dead family members and understanding what heaven means is still beyond Laines. She was confused and a little upset, even crying occasionally. She spent the rest of the day telling me that she didn't want to die, one time saying, "I don't want to be dead in the water."I mentioned that Alaina wore jammies all day, well I let Elle indulge her crazy fashion whims as well. She wore a mismatched pair of Lizzie's socks (pilfered while I was folding laundry), one of Lainey's church shoes and one of her (Ellie's) own. Her already wobbly walk was comically exaggerated and she kept losing the black show in the library because it slipped off her foot so easily. She cracks me up and thank goodness for these girls who did not replace their brother, but certainly dampened the sting of his loss.

Yesterday vs. Today

Today wasn't really a bad day. It just wasn't really good. I waited around for a piano delivery that I later discovered was actually scheduled for Thursday, went to the doctor, and spent a lot of time driving around/killing time in the van. One of the fun moments was Alaina at the doc's office. She was very talkative and wanted to tell the doctor all about what happens when she visits her "kid doctor." Other interesting moments/experiences from today: trying to explain uteruses and the need to wear a bra to Liz.Yesterday things went smoother (or at least they seem that way looking back a day later). The little girls and I enjoyed a trip to the zoo, we picked up Liz at school, ran errands, and had FHE.When Alaina saw this statue she said, "Mama! Take a picture of me on that!" And of course, she posed.Ellie's in the monkey-see-monkey-do stage so she ran to be in the picture too. Of course she posed a little differently. . . . We spent some time in the praire dog tunnel play area.Ellie was too scared to go in the tunnels so . . . I helped her play on top.In the evening, after I put Ellie to bed, the other girls and I tried out our new air popper for FHE (it's national popcorn month--I think). The girls loved it.I neglected to put any seasoning on the popcorn ahead of time so once popped, we painted it with a concoction of food coloring and sweetened condensed milk. The girls loved it.

Trunk or Treat

Last Saturday was our ward's trunk-or-treat. Lizzie and Lainey picked their own costumes. Liz went as a witch. Alaina was the tooth fairy.Makeup-wise Liz requested black all around her eyes and "fire red" lipstick.Alaina wore last-year's fairy costume. To accomodate her desire to be the tooth fairy, I made a few teeth out of felt and bean bag pillow filling.

Ellie was a dragon and Drew was the dragon keeper. Andrew had a pooper scooper, poop bags, and hot mitts for his fire-breathing baby. I was Medusa. I tried to talk Liz into a Medusa costume, but she was set on being a witch. So, I just made a Medusa hat/hair for myself.After dinner the girls enjoyed some games (and prizes).They also participated in the costume parade.Ellie did not participate. She laid on the floor and threw a fit.She did the same thing outside when it was time to trunk-or-treat.Ellie just had a really hard time with the candy going in her basket instead of her hand.So, after visiting a few cars I left Gabrielle to pass out treats at the van with Daddy.At home, Alaina was surprised to find her candy bucket empty. She had worn it as a hat on the way home so not-surprisingly I found her candy in her carset.Ellie enjoyed "scaring" Liz (and Liz was a very good sport).She's saying "Boo!"We let the kids gobble up their Halloween candy as soon as we got home. Ellie's pile was gone pretty quick (she didn't have much because she went to only a few cars). So Ellie attacked Lizzie and tried to take her candy.