was Jacob's birthday and it was life as normal. No tears, but I thought of him often. I had quiet moments to myself to contemplate him--when I made his birthday cupcakes, when I pulled the baby blanket I made him out of storage and examined it--but even with the craziness of chasing after my little girls (yes Lainey wore her jammies and a dress-up "kirt" all day) I thought of him.
Mostly I contemplated what could have been, what will be, my regret at not bringing Lizzie to the hospital to see her dead brother, and ways I can be a parent to him even now. I also thought about how far we've come as a family and as individuals, emotionally speaking. I remember the paralysing grief and guilt of much of the first year and how hard it was to go to sleep at night because then I was alone with my awful thoughts. . . .
I remember people trying to comfort me and telling me that I had a baby and in my head I thought, no, I had a corpse. Even from the begining I knew I could survive it, that we woud "make it through" our loss, but I dreaded the "going through" part. Now, here I am with two more little girls and sometimes what happened with Jacob feels like just bad dream. . . .
Usually it feels very real though. It just doesn't hurt like it used to. Yesterday, a friend realized what day it was and asked if I was okay. I told her I was and I really, truly was. While I felt some saddness and regret and frustration, I mostly felt at peace with what is. And it felt good to think of my son and honor his memory with those thoughts and to strive to make him known to (and remembered by) his sisters.
Jacob would have turned four this year. That's how old Liz was when we lost him so she was old enough to remember it. Naturally, Jake isn't even on Ellie's radar. All she knows is we sang a fun song after dinner last night and she got a cupcake. Alaina is still pretty confused. A few days ago Liz tried to explain about their dead brother. She seemed to try to soften the blow by telling Lainey that Jacob is with their other Nana and Papa in Heaven, a wonderful, happy place. But comprehending the existence of dead family members and understanding what heaven means is still beyond Laines. She was confused and a little upset, even crying occasionally. She spent the rest of the day telling me that she didn't want to die, one time saying, "I don't want to be dead in the water."
I mentioned that Alaina wore jammies all day, well I let Elle indulge her crazy fashion whims as well. She wore a mismatched pair of Lizzie's socks (pilfered while I was folding laundry), one of Lainey's church shoes and one of her (Ellie's) own. Her already wobbly walk was comically exaggerated and she kept losing the black show in the library because it slipped off her foot so easily. She cracks me up and thank goodness for these girls who did not replace their brother, but certainly dampened the sting of his loss.
Mostly I contemplated what could have been, what will be, my regret at not bringing Lizzie to the hospital to see her dead brother, and ways I can be a parent to him even now. I also thought about how far we've come as a family and as individuals, emotionally speaking. I remember the paralysing grief and guilt of much of the first year and how hard it was to go to sleep at night because then I was alone with my awful thoughts. . . . 
Usually it feels very real though. It just doesn't hurt like it used to. Yesterday, a friend realized what day it was and asked if I was okay. I told her I was and I really, truly was. While I felt some saddness and regret and frustration, I mostly felt at peace with what is. And it felt good to think of my son and honor his memory with those thoughts and to strive to make him known to (and remembered by) his sisters.
Jacob would have turned four this year. That's how old Liz was when we lost him so she was old enough to remember it. Naturally, Jake isn't even on Ellie's radar. All she knows is we sang a fun song after dinner last night and she got a cupcake. Alaina is still pretty confused. A few days ago Liz tried to explain about their dead brother. She seemed to try to soften the blow by telling Lainey that Jacob is with their other Nana and Papa in Heaven, a wonderful, happy place. But comprehending the existence of dead family members and understanding what heaven means is still beyond Laines. She was confused and a little upset, even crying occasionally. She spent the rest of the day telling me that she didn't want to die, one time saying, "I don't want to be dead in the water."
I mentioned that Alaina wore jammies all day, well I let Elle indulge her crazy fashion whims as well. She wore a mismatched pair of Lizzie's socks (pilfered while I was folding laundry), one of Lainey's church shoes and one of her (Ellie's) own. Her already wobbly walk was comically exaggerated and she kept losing the black show in the library because it slipped off her foot so easily. She cracks me up and thank goodness for these girls who did not replace their brother, but certainly dampened the sting of his loss.
1 comment:
I'm glad you are okay and I'm glad that you remember him and celebrate him every year with a song and cupcakes! Love you.
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