This afternoon when I left the house to get Lizzie from school I forgot my keys with me. I raced up to the condo office, told the lady I locked myself out of my apartment, and asked to borrow the spare set of keys we are required to leave with them. She said, "Sure, apartment #2 right?" She didn't even ask which building. I didn't think I lock myself out that often. I think I've only looked myself out four or five other times.
Other memorable lock out moments:
1) I locked baby Lizzie and my keys in the car. Luckily I had a spare set in the apartment and the condo office let me in.
2) It was time to pick up Drew from the metro. As soon as the door shut door I realized I had left my keys inside. Fortunately, Andrew had a spare set with him and I had cash in my wallet to pay the cabbie when he arrived.
3) Last Christmas when we returned from Utah I packed our car keys in the carry-on and the house keys in our checked luggage. Naturally the airline lost our bags. As we left the Baltimore airport we called the condo office (twenty minutes before it closed). We begged them to unlock our door, then hoped they would remember. They did.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Videos and such
I was pretty bummed the beginning of the week, but I'm starting to feel better. Yesterday two wonderful things happened:
1) I found my new camera. It had been missing for a week and I was just preparing myself to tell Andrew that I had lost the camera-we-purchased-less-than a month ago when I found it at the bottom of my diaper bag. Phew.
2) Alaina smiled at me. Really smiled. The day before I thought she might have smiled, but yesterday I was certain. I loved it.
This morning Lizzie crawled in bed with me, hugged me and said "Mommy, I love you just the way you are. No matter what you are for Halloween, I love you just the way you are."
Here are some videos I came across while organizing my photo files:
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Commemorating
We weren't really sure how we wanted to commemorate Jacob's birthday. In the end we made a cake for him. Lizzie reminded us to put in a candle and after we sang "Happy Birthday" she blew it out. Afterwards we went to the temple and reviewed the "Reflections of Christ" exhibit at the Temple Visitor's Center.
I also wrote a letter to Jacob and intend to write one annually. I intended to write about the events of his actual birthday just as I had written about the previous day, but it's still a little too painful. Maybe next year. . . . I wrote a journal for the first week or two after Jake died, but I did not write about his birthday or the day before because it was still too raw. I'm grateful that I now have a record of the day we found out.
All in all, Sunday went well. I had anticipated feeling worse than I actually did and was grateful for the discrepancy. I think this anniversary time was so much more manageable because of Alaina. A year ago I kept wishing that I could fast forward my life a couple years to a point when my grief was manageable and I had another child. I cannot believe that time is already here.
I still have sad moments. Sometimes I feel sad when I look at boy clothing, see boys that are the age Jacob would have been, or even talk about the differences between raising boys and girls. I was so relieved that this last baby was a girl, but I also still feel sad thinking that I may not have a living son in this life.
People were really thoughtful towards us this past weekend. I appreciate all the well wishes and support we received. Thank you everyone.
I also wrote a letter to Jacob and intend to write one annually. I intended to write about the events of his actual birthday just as I had written about the previous day, but it's still a little too painful. Maybe next year. . . . I wrote a journal for the first week or two after Jake died, but I did not write about his birthday or the day before because it was still too raw. I'm grateful that I now have a record of the day we found out.
All in all, Sunday went well. I had anticipated feeling worse than I actually did and was grateful for the discrepancy. I think this anniversary time was so much more manageable because of Alaina. A year ago I kept wishing that I could fast forward my life a couple years to a point when my grief was manageable and I had another child. I cannot believe that time is already here.
I still have sad moments. Sometimes I feel sad when I look at boy clothing, see boys that are the age Jacob would have been, or even talk about the differences between raising boys and girls. I was so relieved that this last baby was a girl, but I also still feel sad thinking that I may not have a living son in this life.
People were really thoughtful towards us this past weekend. I appreciate all the well wishes and support we received. Thank you everyone.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
This time last year . . .
This time last year I was being induced to deliver Jacob's body.
It was an awful end to an awful day. I remember it in snippets:
I got up early and drank bucket loads of orange juice and apple cider, hoping to stimulate movement in my belly.
I grew inpatient with Lizzie when she complained while she was getting ready for school. I kept thinking, how can you be so difficult when your brother might be actual distress?
I chanted "move baby, move" in my head as I raced to the doctors office. I also started to plan the baby's funeral, then scolded myself for overreacting.
I though I heard a heartbeat in the doctors office and felt a flood of relief, then dread when I realized that the doctor is still searching.
The uninformed nurse that led me to the sono room tried to laugh and joke with me.
When the doctor told me "the news isn't good" I put my hand to my mouth and turned my head to the wall, too stunned to cry or speak or scream.
Andrew was waiting for my call, but it took nearly an hour to reach him because he was in a building with limited cell phone access. I called and texted him continuously, typing "baby gone. come home."
Andrew and I sat on the bed in shock. I apologized for whatever I may have done to kill our baby. He assured me that it wasn't my fault.
Andrew went back to work briefly to hand off a project, then we met at Lizzie's school.
I called my friend Rachael and she burst into tears at the news.
We were in the van when Drew told Lizzie. She dissolved into tears. I felt like apologizing to her.
We ate lunch at Macaroni Grill. My stomach was so still.
Ryann called, then came and picked up Lizzie for the weekend. I felt some relief.
My mother called and she heard it in my voice. When I said "hello," she said "what's wrong?"
We sent out an email announcement to family and friends. The condolence emails started coming in almost immediately.
We had hours till our scheduled induction. We considered going to a movie, but ended up watching TV and fielding sympathy calls.
Our bishop stopped by and gave us each a blessing. In mine he said I will have "many, many" children. We felt comforted by our blessings and even joked about "many, many" saying that it must refer to grandchildren.
We mapquested directions to the hospital (our tour was scheduled for the following weekend).
During the late night drive we picked a name.
In the hospital waiting room we observed a woman in obvious labor pain and felt sorry for her because she was alone.
It was an awful end to an awful day. I remember it in snippets:
I got up early and drank bucket loads of orange juice and apple cider, hoping to stimulate movement in my belly.
I grew inpatient with Lizzie when she complained while she was getting ready for school. I kept thinking, how can you be so difficult when your brother might be actual distress?
I chanted "move baby, move" in my head as I raced to the doctors office. I also started to plan the baby's funeral, then scolded myself for overreacting.
I though I heard a heartbeat in the doctors office and felt a flood of relief, then dread when I realized that the doctor is still searching.
The uninformed nurse that led me to the sono room tried to laugh and joke with me.
When the doctor told me "the news isn't good" I put my hand to my mouth and turned my head to the wall, too stunned to cry or speak or scream.
Andrew was waiting for my call, but it took nearly an hour to reach him because he was in a building with limited cell phone access. I called and texted him continuously, typing "baby gone. come home."
Andrew and I sat on the bed in shock. I apologized for whatever I may have done to kill our baby. He assured me that it wasn't my fault.
Andrew went back to work briefly to hand off a project, then we met at Lizzie's school.
I called my friend Rachael and she burst into tears at the news.
We were in the van when Drew told Lizzie. She dissolved into tears. I felt like apologizing to her.
We ate lunch at Macaroni Grill. My stomach was so still.
Ryann called, then came and picked up Lizzie for the weekend. I felt some relief.
My mother called and she heard it in my voice. When I said "hello," she said "what's wrong?"
We sent out an email announcement to family and friends. The condolence emails started coming in almost immediately.
We had hours till our scheduled induction. We considered going to a movie, but ended up watching TV and fielding sympathy calls.
Our bishop stopped by and gave us each a blessing. In mine he said I will have "many, many" children. We felt comforted by our blessings and even joked about "many, many" saying that it must refer to grandchildren.
We mapquested directions to the hospital (our tour was scheduled for the following weekend).
During the late night drive we picked a name.
In the hospital waiting room we observed a woman in obvious labor pain and felt sorry for her because she was alone.
Friday, October 24, 2008
A year ago today
A year ago today I spent the day (and the previous day) cleaning my apartment. I had a month before my due date, but I still wondered if I was "nesting" (something that did not happen the first time around). I happily thought, maybe this means the baby will come early.
The day before I had spent the afternoon at Nalls with my playgroup. As Lizzie climbed over pumpkins, ran through tunnels, gulped apple cider, and did a "pirate dance" with her friend, Jordan, I thought about how wonderful it was to be a mother.
A year ago today I was also worried. As I lay down to sleep that night I realized that I couldn't remember if I had felt the baby move throughout the day. . . .
The day before I had spent the afternoon at Nalls with my playgroup. As Lizzie climbed over pumpkins, ran through tunnels, gulped apple cider, and did a "pirate dance" with her friend, Jordan, I thought about how wonderful it was to be a mother.
A year ago today I was also worried. As I lay down to sleep that night I realized that I couldn't remember if I had felt the baby move throughout the day. . . .
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Finally! A phone again.
I have been without cell phone service since Sunday. My fault. I lost my charger. It didn't seem too bad until yesterday. Last night was "Family Math Night" at Lizzie's school. She was super excited about it. Andrew tried really hard to get home in time for it, but he had stuff that he absolutely had to finish at work so he was late. Meanwhile I was waiting at the metro stop for 45 minutes with two crying girls, cursing myself for being so irresponsible with my cell phone accessories. We eventually made it to half of math night and had a lot of fun, but I was very aware of how much stress and heartache could have been avoided if I just had my phone charged. So finally today I picked up chargers for my home and car. They cost way more than I expected. Maybe the $45 I spent to fix my mistake will make me more inclined to take care of them.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Tagged
My sister-in-law Codi (just returned from an Indianapolis adventure) and former roommate Nici (just had her first baby) both tagged me recently so here it goes:
The Rules: Link the Person who Tagged you. Mention rules on your blog. Tell about 6 quirks of yours. Tag 6 fellow bloggers to do the same. Leave a comment on their blog to let them know.
7 quirks:
1 - I clean my home from the inside out meaning I always start with the bedrooms/private area and work my way out to the front room and kitchen/public area (a.k.a. "places people can see from my front door and therefore should probably be picked up first" or so Andrew says).
2 - When I deal cards I count up to the total number of cards to be distributed instead of what seems to be the traditional way. So it's "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, . . . " instead of "1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 2, 3, 3, 3, 3, . . . " Frankly I think my way is more efficient.
3 - I often add water to lemonade when I eat out because restaurant lemonade is usually too strong.
4 - I am completely addicted to the computer game minesweeper.
5 - I am particular about how the laundry is folded. I'm trying really hard to refrain from refolding clothes that Andrew folds.
6 - I kind of shuffle the pages of novels while I read them, making various patterns. For example, I move one page for each paragraph I read until I find the middle part of the book.
7 - Like Codi I also get a feeling similar to "shopper's high" when I get rid of stuff. Luv it!
The Rules: Link the Person who Tagged you. Mention rules on your blog. Tell about 6 quirks of yours. Tag 6 fellow bloggers to do the same. Leave a comment on their blog to let them know.
7 quirks:
1 - I clean my home from the inside out meaning I always start with the bedrooms/private area and work my way out to the front room and kitchen/public area (a.k.a. "places people can see from my front door and therefore should probably be picked up first" or so Andrew says).
2 - When I deal cards I count up to the total number of cards to be distributed instead of what seems to be the traditional way. So it's "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, . . . " instead of "1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 2, 3, 3, 3, 3, . . . " Frankly I think my way is more efficient.
3 - I often add water to lemonade when I eat out because restaurant lemonade is usually too strong.
4 - I am completely addicted to the computer game minesweeper.
5 - I am particular about how the laundry is folded. I'm trying really hard to refrain from refolding clothes that Andrew folds.
6 - I kind of shuffle the pages of novels while I read them, making various patterns. For example, I move one page for each paragraph I read until I find the middle part of the book.
7 - Like Codi I also get a feeling similar to "shopper's high" when I get rid of stuff. Luv it!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
This Week (in no particular order) . . .
Alaina grew and grew . . . 
She hit her six week mark. Which means I did too. I thought of excercising. Does that count? 
Lizzie gave her absolute first talk in Primary. She was sooo excited. The topic was "I can serve Heavenly Father by serving others." One of the examples of helping that she came up with was teaching cousin Trey to swim. Um, not quite, but whatever. The next picture was taken by Liz at church today.
Lainey developed infant acne. Poor thing. Lizzie didn't get this so I thought maybe Laina wouldn't either. Of course Liz never got cradle cap and I'm pretty sure her little sister is starting to already.
I attended the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists Conference for stake and ward leaders (and for people like me who are just plain interested). I went to classes on "Helping Victims of Present and Past Sexual Abuse" and "Helping Spouses and Families of Addicts" (sex addicts that is). The information was sooooo interesting and important. The next picture was taken by Liz at church today. She told me to make an "angry face."
My friend Sharon threw a "diapers and wipes" shower for me. It was super fun--delicious food, great girlie company, and much needed supplies. The shot below is of the cute party favors Sharon made.
Lizzie got her first library card. She looks mellow in the picture, but really she was crazy hyper about it (luckily the the librarians are really patient). On a completely unrelated note, a couple days later she asked me if she could go to daycare like one of her classmates. Apparently it sounded like a lot of fun to her.
She hit her six week mark. Which means I did too. I thought of excercising. Does that count? 
Lizzie gave her absolute first talk in Primary. She was sooo excited. The topic was "I can serve Heavenly Father by serving others." One of the examples of helping that she came up with was teaching cousin Trey to swim. Um, not quite, but whatever. The next picture was taken by Liz at church today.
Lainey developed infant acne. Poor thing. Lizzie didn't get this so I thought maybe Laina wouldn't either. Of course Liz never got cradle cap and I'm pretty sure her little sister is starting to already.
I attended the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists Conference for stake and ward leaders (and for people like me who are just plain interested). I went to classes on "Helping Victims of Present and Past Sexual Abuse" and "Helping Spouses and Families of Addicts" (sex addicts that is). The information was sooooo interesting and important. The next picture was taken by Liz at church today. She told me to make an "angry face."
My friend Sharon threw a "diapers and wipes" shower for me. It was super fun--delicious food, great girlie company, and much needed supplies. The shot below is of the cute party favors Sharon made.
Lizzie got her first library card. She looks mellow in the picture, but really she was crazy hyper about it (luckily the the librarians are really patient). On a completely unrelated note, a couple days later she asked me if she could go to daycare like one of her classmates. Apparently it sounded like a lot of fun to her.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Comparisons
I loved seeing comparison pictures of Trey and Smith on Rob and Julie's blogs so I made sure to take some shots of Smith and Alaina together when I had the chance. Smith is four weeks old and significantly bigger (and more alert and blessed with more hair). He's about 14 pounds at 10 weeks and, as near as I can determine (by standing on my home scale with her), Lainey might weight a little over 9 pounds. I can't wait to take some pictures of all three new Barnes family babies--Logan, Trey, and Alain--in November. 
Whenever I tried to get pictures of the babies together, Lizzie and Trey joined in. I thought they were all super cute.
I love the following shot of Smith trying to latch on to Lainey's arm.
Whenever I tried to get pictures of the babies together, Lizzie and Trey joined in. I thought they were all super cute.
I love the following shot of Smith trying to latch on to Lainey's arm. 
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
I'm Home!
I made it home. Hurray! And it only took 9.5 hours today. The details:
South Carolina - I was disappointed that I had to stop and feed Laina only an hour into the drive. . . . As I brushed crumbs out of the van I frustratedly told Lizzie that, road trip or no road trip, I probably wouldn't let her eat in the car anymore. She asked, "Do you still think I'm nice and cute and tell the truth all the time?" . . . Liz spent a lot of time playing with her "Dorfdee" doll (a.k.a. Dorothy from Wizard of Oz). Someday I'll teach her the correct pronunciation. . . .
North Carolina - Junie B. Jones CDs . . . A sign for "Hi Fashion Wigs" . . . Liz entertained herself with her Leapfrog Leap Pad. I entertained myself by taking pictures of myself and Liz (see above). . . . Alaina slept pretty well despite me constantly poking her to make sure she would move and was therefore still alive (I'm working on the paranoia). . . . We had lunch at the Cracker Barrel where Liz and I ate three kids meals between the two of us and Liz demonstrated one of the moves she learned in P.E. (the bubble). . . .
Virginia - Argh! Stop and go traffic! . . . Liz practiced gargling, listened to Junie B. Jones, and finally slept the last hour. . . . I took more pictures. . . . Alaina fussed on and off the last couple hours, but didn't wake up and then WE WERE HOME!
South Carolina - I was disappointed that I had to stop and feed Laina only an hour into the drive. . . . As I brushed crumbs out of the van I frustratedly told Lizzie that, road trip or no road trip, I probably wouldn't let her eat in the car anymore. She asked, "Do you still think I'm nice and cute and tell the truth all the time?" . . . Liz spent a lot of time playing with her "Dorfdee" doll (a.k.a. Dorothy from Wizard of Oz). Someday I'll teach her the correct pronunciation. . . .
North Carolina - Junie B. Jones CDs . . . A sign for "Hi Fashion Wigs" . . . Liz entertained herself with her Leapfrog Leap Pad. I entertained myself by taking pictures of myself and Liz (see above). . . . Alaina slept pretty well despite me constantly poking her to make sure she would move and was therefore still alive (I'm working on the paranoia). . . . We had lunch at the Cracker Barrel where Liz and I ate three kids meals between the two of us and Liz demonstrated one of the moves she learned in P.E. (the bubble). . . .Virginia - Argh! Stop and go traffic! . . . Liz practiced gargling, listened to Junie B. Jones, and finally slept the last hour. . . . I took more pictures. . . . Alaina fussed on and off the last couple hours, but didn't wake up and then WE WERE HOME!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Lotsa pix from our South Carolina weekend . . .
Lizzie and Trey balancing Cheerios on their noses under Julie's tutelage . . . 
Lizzie and Nana drawing Hello Kitty pictures . . .
Alaina sleeping in her stroller . . .
Nana cuddling Lainey . . .
Mommy cuddling Lainey . . .
Alaina Marie sleeping sweetly . . .
Trey sneaking a spoonful of butter. Yum. . . .
Lizzie and Trey staring out the window at a squirrel by the pool. Notice Lizzie's white boots. I let her do a lot of her own packing and didn't realize till we got here that she packed five pairs of shoes for our five day trip. . . .
Nana and Smith . . .
Trey asleep in the family room . . .
Smith up close . . .
Papa holding both babies. . . .
Alaina spitting up on Papa. . . .
Julie and Trey in the backyard pool . . .
Lizzie in the pool . . .
Lizzie and Trey ran around for a while before Liz asked me to start counting her laps. She ran 123 times. Unbelievable. . . .
Lizzie and Nana drawing Hello Kitty pictures . . .
Alaina sleeping in her stroller . . .
Nana cuddling Lainey . . .
Mommy cuddling Lainey . . .
Alaina Marie sleeping sweetly . . .
Trey sneaking a spoonful of butter. Yum. . . .
Lizzie and Trey staring out the window at a squirrel by the pool. Notice Lizzie's white boots. I let her do a lot of her own packing and didn't realize till we got here that she packed five pairs of shoes for our five day trip. . . .
Nana and Smith . . .
Trey asleep in the family room . . .
Smith up close . . .
Papa holding both babies. . . .
Alaina spitting up on Papa. . . .
Julie and Trey in the backyard pool . . .
Lizzie in the pool . . .
Lizzie and Trey ran around for a while before Liz asked me to start counting her laps. She ran 123 times. Unbelievable. . . .
Saturday, October 11, 2008
A Surprise!
So, the night before I left for South Carolina I got the following email from Drew:
"Jill, I have a special surprise waiting for you in Columbia, but you'll need to go pick it up on Saturday morning. In fact, you need to pick it up at 9:00 a.m. on Saturday, and you can't be late, otherwise you'll miss the surprise."
I thought maybe he ordered me a GPS or a Wii. Then, he said I shouldn't take the kids with me because they might be in the way. He also suggested that I bring my pump. Hmmm. I suspected/hoped that I had a spa treatment in store for me.
I was right! Andrew surprised me with a full body massage, a facial, a pedicure, and manicure.
It was sooooooooo nice. Thank you to Andrew for setting up such a sweet and indulgent surprise and thank you to my parents and sister, Julie, for watching the girls.
"Jill, I have a special surprise waiting for you in Columbia, but you'll need to go pick it up on Saturday morning. In fact, you need to pick it up at 9:00 a.m. on Saturday, and you can't be late, otherwise you'll miss the surprise."
I thought maybe he ordered me a GPS or a Wii. Then, he said I shouldn't take the kids with me because they might be in the way. He also suggested that I bring my pump. Hmmm. I suspected/hoped that I had a spa treatment in store for me.
I was right! Andrew surprised me with a full body massage, a facial, a pedicure, and manicure.
It was sooooooooo nice. Thank you to Andrew for setting up such a sweet and indulgent surprise and thank you to my parents and sister, Julie, for watching the girls.
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