Commemorating

We weren't really sure how we wanted to commemorate Jacob's birthday. In the end we made a cake for him. Lizzie reminded us to put in a candle and after we sang "Happy Birthday" she blew it out. Afterwards we went to the temple and reviewed the "Reflections of Christ" exhibit at the Temple Visitor's Center.

I also wrote a letter to Jacob and intend to write one annually. I intended to write about the events of his actual birthday just as I had written about the previous day, but it's still a little too painful. Maybe next year. . . . I wrote a journal for the first week or two after Jake died, but I did not write about his birthday or the day before because it was still too raw. I'm grateful that I now have a record of the day we found out.

All in all, Sunday went well. I had anticipated feeling worse than I actually did and was grateful for the discrepancy. I think this anniversary time was so much more manageable because of Alaina. A year ago I kept wishing that I could fast forward my life a couple years to a point when my grief was manageable and I had another child. I cannot believe that time is already here.

I still have sad moments. Sometimes I feel sad when I look at boy clothing, see boys that are the age Jacob would have been, or even talk about the differences between raising boys and girls. I was so relieved that this last baby was a girl, but I also still feel sad thinking that I may not have a living son in this life.

People were really thoughtful towards us this past weekend. I appreciate all the well wishes and support we received. Thank you everyone.