Drew's Manhood Assessment

I ran across an article in Popular Mechanics, 100 Skills Every Man Should Know: 2008's Ultimate DIY List, and forwarded it to Jill. She forwarded it right back and asked me how I thought I rated against the items on the list.

So here's my assessment:

Automotive
1. Handle a blowout -- Yes - but the real question is, can I do it without stomping my feet or cursing.
2. Drive in snow -- Yep.
3. Check trouble codes -- If that is the big red warning light on the dashboard, then yes.
4. Replace fan belt -- If I could, mine wouldn't be screaming at me whenever I drive my car.
5. Wax a car -- Yep.
6. Conquer an off-road obstacle -- About the only thing my Nissan Altima can conquer off-road is blades of grass.
7. Use a stick welder -- Um, no - but I can handle every other kind of welder: hose welder, shark welder - you know, all those other ones.
8. Hitch up a trailer -- Yep.
9. Jump start a car -- Yep.

Handling Emergencies
10. Perform the Heimlich -- Yep - the videos from elementary school are burned into my memory.
11. Reverse hypothermia -- I need more specificity - do I know this person, has this person ever made me angry? This can involve two people getting almost naked and then spooning under a blanket. I would really have to be sure I wanted the person with hypothermia to live.
12. Perform hands-only CPR -- Yes - I certainly wouldn't do it with my feet.
13. Escape a sinking car -- Yes - I am very familiar with that Myth Busters episode.

Home
14. Carve a turkey -- I can carve the **** out of a turkey.
15. Use a sewing machine -- No comment. This has got to be a trick question. Anyone that answers yes must have his manhood membership card revoked.
16. Put out a fire -- Stop drop and roll; Not sure what I would do if I had to put out a whole building though - certainly can't roll it.
17. Home brew beer -- No comment. Just kidding - no.
18. Remove bloodstains from fabric -- If they haven't caught me yet, then I guess I was successful.
19. Move heavy stuff -- That's why my wife calls me Jackass.
20. Grow food -- http://www.papajohns.com/
21. Read an electric meter -- I just pay the bill when it comes every month - does that count?
22. Shovel the right way -- I never knew there was a wrong way. If you get the dirt out of the hole isn't that the right way? Wait, what if you're trying to get dirt back into a hole? Doh!
23. Solder wire -- I'm getting tired of answering these already.
24. Tape drywall -- Definitely - I watched Jill's dad do it once.
25. Split firewood -- Yep.
26. Replace a faucet washer -- Yep.
27. Mix concrete -- Nope - well I haven't tried yet. Probably still no.
28. Paint a straight line -- With the use of painter's tape - yes.
29. Use a French knife -- I prefer to think of it as a "Freedom" knife.
30. Prune bushes and small trees -- Yep - I have a great story about how my dad made me take care of an entire peach orchard when I was 13!!
31. Iron a shirt -- Definitely yes - always at 8:15, when I'm supposed to be at work at 8:30.
32. Fix a toilet tank flapper -- Once you've stayed up all night because your toilet won't stop running (start to nod off, then SWISH, repeat endlessly), then you figure it out pretty quickly the next day.
33. Change a single-pole switch -- Single-pole, 3/4-pole - whatever it takes.
34. Fell a tree -- No, but I can cut one down.
35. Replace a broken windowpane -- I would just tell my wife that John did it - that always seemed to work when I was a kid (John was the red-headed step child that lived down the street).
36. Set up a ladder, safely -- Yep.
37. Fix a faucet cartridge -- I'm not even going to pretend on this one - I would have to search on Wikipedia to find out what a faucet cartridge is. I installed a new faucet in our bathroom, but I'm not sure that is a repeatable process for me.
38. Sweat copper tubing -- No.
39. Change a diaper -- No, and can somone tell my wife.
40. Grill with charcoal -- Ahhh, yeaaahhhhh!
41. Sew a button on a shirt -- Yep.
42. Fold a flag -- Yes - proud to be a Life Scout.

Medical Myths
43. Treat frostbite -- I'm a little worried that this section is titled "Medical Myths." Now I don’t know what to do - is it impossible to treat these things?
44. Treat a burn -- My mom would put butter on a burn - is that bad?
45. Help a seizure victim -- Yes - just make sure the seizure victim has an open airway and isn't hurting himself. Then seek medical help or advice. Call 911 if the seizure doesn't stop.
46. Treat a snakebite -- Yes.
47. Remove a tick -- Yes - ask Jill.

Military Know-How
48. Shine shoes -- Yep.
49. Make a drum-tight bed -- When I really want to. Jill won't agree.
50. Drop and give the perfect pushup -- 10 years ago - yes; Now - no.

Outdoors
51. Run rapids in a canoe -- No. But I could probably do it in a raft with a river guide.
52. Hang food in the wild -- Yep.
53. Skipper a boat -- Yep, sort of (our family was part owner of a 32' sail boat).
54. Shoot straight -- Yep.
55. Tackle steep drops on a mountain bike -- Yep - grew up in Utah - kind of like a mountain goat: born on the mountain (and kind of stinky).
56. Escape a rip current -- Yep - sufing in South Africa.

Primitive Skills
57. Build a fire in the wilderness -- Yep - matches work great. Jumper cables don't work as well.
58. Build a shelter -- Probably.
59. Find potable water -- I hope so.

Surviving Extremes
60. Floods -- Not yet.
61. Tornados -- Wouldn't anyone just crouch in the tub and pray really hard?
62. Cold -- Every time Jill gets in bed and puts her cold feet on me.
63. Heat -- Every night I sleep with one leg out from under our down comforter, which remains on our bed even through the summer in order to combat above-mentioned cold feet.
64. Lightning -- Give me someone who says he can survive a lightning strike, and let's put him to the test.

Teach Your Kids
65. Cast a line -- Is that like hitting a punch line? I definitely need to work on that with Liz. Her current best joke: "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he had pants on!"
66. Lend a hand -- Yep
67. Change a tire -- See #1 above. So far, Liz has only repeated one of my curses.
68. Throw a spiral -- Yep.
69. Fly a stunt kite -- Never tried.
70. Drive a stick shift -- Yep.
71. Parallel park -- I'll challenge anyone to a parallel-park-off.
72. Tie a bowline -- Around the tree, through the hole, around the tree and back down through the hole.
73. Tie a necktie -- Around the tree, through the hole, around the tree and back down through the hole. Hmmm, seems like one of these isn't right.
74. Whittle -- Yep, I can definitely shave wood from a stick until there is no more stick. That's why I'm no good at stick welding (see #7).
75. Ride a bike -- Yep. See #55.

Technology
76. Install a graphics card -- Yep.
77. Take the perfect portrait -- No.
78. Calibrate HDTV settings -- No, but my friend Dan can. I can just borrow some of his manhood.
79. Shoot a home movie -- Yep - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brL-p9h0JK4
80. Ditch your hard drive -- Yep - just throw it in the trash.

Master Key Workshop Tools
81. Drill driver -- Check - that was one of my first manhood acquisitions.
82. Grease gun -- Nope.
83. Coolant hydrometer -- What?
84. Socket wrench -- Not sure?
85. Test light -- Nope.
86. Brick trowel -- Nope.
87. Framing hammer -- No, but I really want one. They're twice as tough as a regular hammer.
88. Wood chisel -- Check.
89. Spade bit -- Nope.
90. Circular saw -- Check. Second manhood acquisition.
91. Sledge hammer -- No.
92. Hacksaw -- Yep.
93. Torque wrench -- No.
94. Air wrench -- Curses - no.
95. Infrared thermometer -- Would a baby forehead thermometer work?
96. Sand blaster -- No, but it would be sweet to own one. I would ask my friends on a regular basis if they needed any sand blasting done around their homes.
97. Crosscut saw -- I thought I already saw this question - #92 Hacksaw - that's the same thing right?
98. Hand plane -- No.
99. Multimeter -- No.
100. Feeler gauges -- What?