I thought yesterday would be my first official day off bedrest, but instead it was "day one" of seven days modified bed rest. We are not exactly sure what the medical professionals mean by "modified," but when the TLC nurse called yesterday she suggested that I gradually increase my activity every day so that next weekend I am not going from laying down all day to up doing everything at once. So, I have still spent most of the today in bed, but thankfully a lot of it has been sitting up instead of laying down, flipping from one side to the other.
We have continued to receive support from friends and family and I really appreciated all my friends taking Liz to do such fun things this last week of summer when I couldn't. On Wednesday Lizzie enjoyed a day at North Beach thanks to Tiffany. Thursday afternoon Tricia took Liz downtown to see the Jim Hansen Muppet exhibit. Then, yesterday Sharon visited with me in the morning (and fed me scones and did the dishes and cleaned off our cluttered dining room table while she was here). She then took Lizzie with her and her family to a local bowling alley. As expected Lizzie initially insisted that she did not want to go, but in the end she went and absolutely loved it. One of the first things she asked us this morning is if she could go bowling. She has also altered her birthday plans. Previously Lizzie told me that she wanted a Build-A-Bear party, then she changed her mind and wanted a butterfly party, then a dog party, then she combined her last two ideas and requested a "flying dog" party. Now she wants a bowling party. Naturally we are going to wait a couple weeks before we make any final decisions.
Other bonuses from these last couple days: a loaf of yummy bread from my Relief Society President and a delicious vegetarian dinner from Jessica. We especially enjoyed visiting with Jessica who we had not seen in about a year.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
I'm not ready for her to grow up.
I can't believe how big/old Liz is getting. She is starting kindergarten on Tuesday and I'm beyond nervous about the whole thing. Part of it may be that she will be going to a public school instead of the private kindergarten at her preschool like we originally intended. Her class is going to be big and due to bed rest I wasn't able to go to school to meet her teachers and see the classroom, both of which would have probably helped alleviate some of my fears.Still, I can't deny that she is progressing. She has reached what I consider some milestones this year:
1 - She sat through a couple Imax movies without completely freaking out.
2 - She is no longer deathly afraid of ants. Apparently now they are "cute" and "her friends" and I'm supposed to walk carefully so that I do not accidentally squish them.
3 - She put her face in the water.
4 - Finally tried water wings (and liked them). She also tried and loved kick boards.
5 - She had her first professional haircut (I figured I should stop mangling her hair).
6 - She became comfortable riding her training-wheeled bike without a parent's hand constantly on it.
I'm sure there's more, but that's all that come to mind right now.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
And it goes on and on . . .
I went back to the doctor's office today because the new medication they gave me yesterday seemed to accelerate my heartbeat (they took me off the old stuff because of this). I took one dose at 2 p.m. and it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest so I didn't dare take anymore. Of course I also didn't dare tell Andrew that I had stopped taking them. Anyway, I went in for another unscheduled marathon appointment this afternoon and spent a little over two hours hooked up to the non-stress test machine. When I asked for a bathroom break before they started some intravenous fluids the doc just pulled the cords out of the machine and sent me to the rest room with them still strapped around my belly (the nurse didn't seem to approve of this). End result: I'm going to be taking a half dose of my new medication from now on and today's doc wants me to extend my bed rest another week until I make it to 37. And I thought I was so close to be finished. Ugh.
On a more postive note I found out today that the state of Virginia issues death certificates for stillborns (thanks to a law was passed in 2003). I'm glad. Part of me wants something official to show that my baby Jacob existed.
On a more postive note I found out today that the state of Virginia issues death certificates for stillborns (thanks to a law was passed in 2003). I'm glad. Part of me wants something official to show that my baby Jacob existed.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Today at the doctor's office . . .
I had my usual sonogram, examination, and non-stress test marathon appointment. Things looked okay except that the baby's heartbeat was elevated. The doc thought it was from my anti-contraction medication so she switched my prescription. She also instructed me to go on modified bed rest next week. I'm not sure what that means. The only thing I thought to ask was "So, like I can drive my daughter to school but then I should go home and lay down?" She agreed. After three hours at Kaiser I was glad to finally be home where I could make up some of the sleep I missed last night. Sleeping was especially nice since a side effect of the new meds is a continuous headache. The doc said I could take Tylenol, but even with her blessing I'm too nervous to take anything yet.
Today I have been especially nervous. I woke up early this morning and for some reason was convinced that the baby was dead. It took a while (and a few kicks) before I calmed down, but I could not go back to sleep. I passed the time until I had to go to my appointment by organizing our photos and backing them up online (I'm up to year 2005). I became increasingly anxious and had a hard time leaving the house. I am always a little nervous when I go to my appointments and don't sleep much the night before, but today I just couldn't seem to keep it together and only reached a relatively steady level when I saw the heartbeat on the sono. Still I keep thinking why can't they just take her out NOW while we know she's still alive?
While I was freaking out at home, Lizzie enjoyed the day Tricia's house. Yesterday she was with Amanda. I thought for sure Liz and Cooper would fight the entire time, but it sounds like they got along well. Before Liz and Drew returned last night I enjoyed a visit from my friend Kristen who dropped off a delicious dinner, the leftovers of which have gotten me through today as well. Another highlight today was the arrival of a book on CD from my Kirsten in Germany (thanks for thinking of us).
Today I have been especially nervous. I woke up early this morning and for some reason was convinced that the baby was dead. It took a while (and a few kicks) before I calmed down, but I could not go back to sleep. I passed the time until I had to go to my appointment by organizing our photos and backing them up online (I'm up to year 2005). I became increasingly anxious and had a hard time leaving the house. I am always a little nervous when I go to my appointments and don't sleep much the night before, but today I just couldn't seem to keep it together and only reached a relatively steady level when I saw the heartbeat on the sono. Still I keep thinking why can't they just take her out NOW while we know she's still alive?
While I was freaking out at home, Lizzie enjoyed the day Tricia's house. Yesterday she was with Amanda. I thought for sure Liz and Cooper would fight the entire time, but it sounds like they got along well. Before Liz and Drew returned last night I enjoyed a visit from my friend Kristen who dropped off a delicious dinner, the leftovers of which have gotten me through today as well. Another highlight today was the arrival of a book on CD from my Kirsten in Germany (thanks for thinking of us).
Monday, August 25, 2008
Yesterday and Today
I am more than halfway through my "bed arrest" as friend put it. Yesterday was day six and the first day that I really felt confined. Maybe that was because Liz was home and every time she asked me to do something I had to say, "go ask you father," knowing all the while that he was feverishly trying to do work around the house as well as do his "work work." Maybe I also noticed how time dragged because I was trying to entertain Lizzie instead of just indulging myself. It's been surprisingly nice to have an entire day today to just read, watch tv, and surf the internet. I guess I'm starting to get over my compulsion to clean things up (though I am making a mental list of things to do this weekend when my "rest" is over).
Things I intended to do yesterday and today: write thank you notes, order some Christmas gifts online, sort through mail and other accumulated papers, finish online genealogy training, work on family history and at least outline my life history, work on photo books, organize photos and back them up online, type letters to my grandparents, program phone numbers into my new cell phone, do family history indexing, organize recipes, and cull our herbs and spices collection.
Things I actually did yesterday: read a book, watched Arrested Development and the Colbert Report on http://www.hulu.com/ (it's a pretty cool site), watched kids movies with Liz and played ponies (but mostly we watched movies), surfed the internet, made Lizzie put away her folded laundry, and talked to Drew about how we should probably pack our bag for the hospital "just in case" (we got as far as taking the bag out of the closet).
Things I have done so far today: eat, read, and watch the history channel.
Things I intended to do yesterday and today: write thank you notes, order some Christmas gifts online, sort through mail and other accumulated papers, finish online genealogy training, work on family history and at least outline my life history, work on photo books, organize photos and back them up online, type letters to my grandparents, program phone numbers into my new cell phone, do family history indexing, organize recipes, and cull our herbs and spices collection.
Things I actually did yesterday: read a book, watched Arrested Development and the Colbert Report on http://www.hulu.com/ (it's a pretty cool site), watched kids movies with Liz and played ponies (but mostly we watched movies), surfed the internet, made Lizzie put away her folded laundry, and talked to Drew about how we should probably pack our bag for the hospital "just in case" (we got as far as taking the bag out of the closet).
Things I have done so far today: eat, read, and watch the history channel.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Jill is the Best -- at Small Talk (this post not appropriate for children)
Jill likes to be a part of my life and likes to share parts of her life with me. Sometimes the things she shares with me are really interesting. Sometimes (just being truthful here) I have to try hard not to tune it out. One of the more common ways Jill likes to get me involved in her life is by relating something interesting she heard on the radio or by sharing an interesting article she read. That stuff is usually pretty nice for small talk, but somehow her judgment failed her the other day. This is exactly how our conversation went:
Jill: "I read a really interesting article today."
Andrew: "Oh yeah, let's hear about it."
Jill: "Some doctor said that for every 35 pounds of weight a man can loose, he'll gain an inch in the size of his penis."
Andrew: Blank stare
Jill: "Anyway, I thought it was interesting."
So you ladies check out the article Jill read, try it out as a topic for small talk with your husbands, and let me know how they respond. I'm still trying to decide how to respond to Jill myself. I mean, I know I need to loose a little weight, but...
Jill: "I read a really interesting article today."
Andrew: "Oh yeah, let's hear about it."
Jill: "Some doctor said that for every 35 pounds of weight a man can loose, he'll gain an inch in the size of his penis."
Andrew: Blank stare
Jill: "Anyway, I thought it was interesting."
So you ladies check out the article Jill read, try it out as a topic for small talk with your husbands, and let me know how they respond. I'm still trying to decide how to respond to Jill myself. I mean, I know I need to loose a little weight, but...
Friends are the Best!
Thank you, thank you to all of our great friends! With Jill on bed rest and a load of pressure at work this week, I was desperate for childcare help. Our wonderful friends stepped in right away to offer to take Liz last week and next week. Other friends brought dinners and snacks, others brought movies or books to keep Jill entertained, and still others just kept Jill company.
A special thanks also goes to Brent, who helped me paint the kitchen walls and pack the den. I'd still be working on it next weekend if he hadn't helped me.
We are so grateful to have such terrific friends. You guys are the best!!
A special thanks also goes to Brent, who helped me paint the kitchen walls and pack the den. I'd still be working on it next weekend if he hadn't helped me.
We are so grateful to have such terrific friends. You guys are the best!!
I'm the Best
Wow - I've been busy at work, but I didn't realize just how busy until I just checked our blog (read: Jill's blog) and saw that the last post I read was on August 3.
So a couple weeks back I took apart the kitchen in order to paint the cabinets and kitchen walls. I finally put it all back together tonight (well, mostly anyway)! The cabinets are a beautiful linen white, and the walls are tan. I'm sure Jill will post a picture for those that can't visit us to see the glory in person.
So anyway, I'm tooting my own horn because this accomplishment comes at the end of one of the most hectic week's I've had in recent memory. Work has been crazy - I'm going on about hour 70 since last Sunday, it's 11:30 p.m., and I still have a few more hours of work left before I can go to bed. With Jill on bed rest, childcare and Jill-care activities have also taken up a good deal of time this week. I'm not sure how I've kept from collapsing. Oh yeah - and I packed up most of the den and took it to our storage unit. PhEEEEEeeeeeeew.
I may be great, but the real reason I was able to accomplish anything during the week was because of a load of help from some great friends (more on that in the next post).
So a couple weeks back I took apart the kitchen in order to paint the cabinets and kitchen walls. I finally put it all back together tonight (well, mostly anyway)! The cabinets are a beautiful linen white, and the walls are tan. I'm sure Jill will post a picture for those that can't visit us to see the glory in person.
So anyway, I'm tooting my own horn because this accomplishment comes at the end of one of the most hectic week's I've had in recent memory. Work has been crazy - I'm going on about hour 70 since last Sunday, it's 11:30 p.m., and I still have a few more hours of work left before I can go to bed. With Jill on bed rest, childcare and Jill-care activities have also taken up a good deal of time this week. I'm not sure how I've kept from collapsing. Oh yeah - and I packed up most of the den and took it to our storage unit. PhEEEEEeeeeeeew.
I may be great, but the real reason I was able to accomplish anything during the week was because of a load of help from some great friends (more on that in the next post).
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Day 5 - Halfway Mark
I'm halfway through my bed rest! Hurray!
And I'm still feeling baby movement! Hurray!
While Saturday is often a family day the three of us had completely different schedules today.
Drew played basketball, painted the kitchen, packed up a third of the den to make room for baby stuff, watched the Olympics, and shuttled Lizzie around. Thank you to Brent who helped in the kitchen and den.
Lizzie spent the morning at Lea's house playing (thanks Lea). From there she went straight to a birthday party at the soft playroom and then to our babysitting co-op (thanks Tiffany), returning at bedtime to read stories and cuddle up with me.
I laid in bed, finished reading the second Twilight book, wrapped a present, watched couple movies (thanks Drew for moving a tv into my room), surfed baby gear sites on the internet, started organizing the photos on our computer and backing them up online, laid on the couch, wrote some thank you notes, and ordered pizza (my activities/accomplishments are pretty limited from bed so I count everything).
We also culled two names from our list. Goodbye Gwyneth and Kara.
Remaining names: Alaina, Amelia, Anastasia, Gabrielle/a, Malia, Megan, and Gretchen.
Drew wanted to veto Amelia and Malia, but I'm not ready to give them up yet. Likewise he saved Anastasia when I vetoed it.
Also, it seems like every time I read the name Gretchen Andrew says, "It sounds so German." I say, "Well, it is German." It's being to feel like a routine.
And I'm still feeling baby movement! Hurray!
While Saturday is often a family day the three of us had completely different schedules today.
Drew played basketball, painted the kitchen, packed up a third of the den to make room for baby stuff, watched the Olympics, and shuttled Lizzie around. Thank you to Brent who helped in the kitchen and den.
Lizzie spent the morning at Lea's house playing (thanks Lea). From there she went straight to a birthday party at the soft playroom and then to our babysitting co-op (thanks Tiffany), returning at bedtime to read stories and cuddle up with me.
I laid in bed, finished reading the second Twilight book, wrapped a present, watched couple movies (thanks Drew for moving a tv into my room), surfed baby gear sites on the internet, started organizing the photos on our computer and backing them up online, laid on the couch, wrote some thank you notes, and ordered pizza (my activities/accomplishments are pretty limited from bed so I count everything).
We also culled two names from our list. Goodbye Gwyneth and Kara.
Remaining names: Alaina, Amelia, Anastasia, Gabrielle/a, Malia, Megan, and Gretchen.
Drew wanted to veto Amelia and Malia, but I'm not ready to give them up yet. Likewise he saved Anastasia when I vetoed it.
Also, it seems like every time I read the name Gretchen Andrew says, "It sounds so German." I say, "Well, it is German." It's being to feel like a routine.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Day 4 / 35 Weeks
Today I hit my 35th week, which I've been dreading because Jacob died in the 35th week, but so far so good good.
This morning I thought I felt contractions so I went into the doctor's office to be checked out. Well, it wasn't contractions and everything is just fine. Turns out that what thought was gas three days ago were actually contractions and what I thought were contractions today was actually gas. I'm totally confused. Thankfully everyone at the Kaiser was super nice and assured me over and over that I could come in as often as I want to. The bummer was that it took so long (my doctor always runs behind) that I missed a visit from my friend Amanda (though she left some fun surprises on my doorstep--thanks!).
Today Wendi had Lizzie in the morning (and in the evening she dropped off a frozen meal). In the afternoon Sharon brought Liz home. She and Taryn played while Sharon and I visited. Then, Sharon dropped Liz off at Lea's house for the night and Michelle dropped off a yummy picnic dinner. The food and the slumber party for Liz were much appreciated since Drew texted me that he had to work a little late tonight. Naturally when I'm out of commission our kitchen would be disassembled and Drew would have a crazy busy week at work.
Other fun activities today: emailing, watching "Flight of the Conchords" videos on You Tube (very funny), telephone call from my brother Mike (I don't hear from him often), working on My Publisher photo books, watching Olympic Rhythmic Gymnastics (never heard of it before--it's awesome!), and reading, reading, reading.
So far, bed rest hasn't been too bad. People keep asking me about "cabin fever" and I honestly thought it would have set in already but it hasn't. There are, however, some things that are frustrating about it:
(1) Laying on your side all day gets uncomfortable. It's one thing if you're sleeping or just watching TV (which gets old after awhile). It's quite another if you are trying to type or read or sort through mail.
(2) I cannot clean. Anyone who knows me at all knows I'm not a super star house cleaner but this place is getting out of hand. Every time I walk into the bathroom I wish I could clean it and it kind of disgusts me to see my unkempt bed--not that it can be helped since I'm rolling around in it all day.
(3) There is so much I cannot do for myself. I'm very grateful for all the love and help and feel overwhelmed that so many people have stepped forward to help us. Still, I sometimes feel like a burden (though I know our helpers would say that they are happy to help). It gets a little old asking Andrew to do things that I feel perfectly capable of doing myself but know I'm not supposed to.
(4) I miss the outdoors. I enjoyed the walk through the parking lot on the way to the doctor's office today and I am looking forward to a walk in the park when this is all over.
This morning I thought I felt contractions so I went into the doctor's office to be checked out. Well, it wasn't contractions and everything is just fine. Turns out that what thought was gas three days ago were actually contractions and what I thought were contractions today was actually gas. I'm totally confused. Thankfully everyone at the Kaiser was super nice and assured me over and over that I could come in as often as I want to. The bummer was that it took so long (my doctor always runs behind) that I missed a visit from my friend Amanda (though she left some fun surprises on my doorstep--thanks!).
Today Wendi had Lizzie in the morning (and in the evening she dropped off a frozen meal). In the afternoon Sharon brought Liz home. She and Taryn played while Sharon and I visited. Then, Sharon dropped Liz off at Lea's house for the night and Michelle dropped off a yummy picnic dinner. The food and the slumber party for Liz were much appreciated since Drew texted me that he had to work a little late tonight. Naturally when I'm out of commission our kitchen would be disassembled and Drew would have a crazy busy week at work.
Other fun activities today: emailing, watching "Flight of the Conchords" videos on You Tube (very funny), telephone call from my brother Mike (I don't hear from him often), working on My Publisher photo books, watching Olympic Rhythmic Gymnastics (never heard of it before--it's awesome!), and reading, reading, reading.
So far, bed rest hasn't been too bad. People keep asking me about "cabin fever" and I honestly thought it would have set in already but it hasn't. There are, however, some things that are frustrating about it:
(1) Laying on your side all day gets uncomfortable. It's one thing if you're sleeping or just watching TV (which gets old after awhile). It's quite another if you are trying to type or read or sort through mail.
(2) I cannot clean. Anyone who knows me at all knows I'm not a super star house cleaner but this place is getting out of hand. Every time I walk into the bathroom I wish I could clean it and it kind of disgusts me to see my unkempt bed--not that it can be helped since I'm rolling around in it all day.
(3) There is so much I cannot do for myself. I'm very grateful for all the love and help and feel overwhelmed that so many people have stepped forward to help us. Still, I sometimes feel like a burden (though I know our helpers would say that they are happy to help). It gets a little old asking Andrew to do things that I feel perfectly capable of doing myself but know I'm not supposed to.
(4) I miss the outdoors. I enjoyed the walk through the parking lot on the way to the doctor's office today and I am looking forward to a walk in the park when this is all over.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Hormones
So what's up with these crazy pregnancy hormones? I'm laying here watching Oprah bawling my eyes out. A couple months ago I watched part of Babe with Lizzie and got choked up during one scene. Babe! I don't even like that show. It's gotta be the hormones.
Day Three
Well day three is nearly over and all I can say is it hasn't been as bad as I expected, probably because we have had tremendous help and support. Lea had Lizzie all day and Wendi let Liz crash Spencer's birthday party this evening. Several people called or emailed to check in on me, including my Bishop, my Dad and the TLC nurse. Carrie dropped off movies and Brooke dropped off dinner. Trish dropped off the next two books in the Twilight series (I finished Twilight this morning) and my sister Julie mailed me a couple fun books. I have felt extremely loved and supported. Thanks again everyone.
FYI - The TLC program is for high risk pregnancies and apparently I am now enrolled in it because I just got a packet of information in the mail today along with the check-in phone call. I thought I was classified as high risk before, but apparently I've crossed into yet another dimension of risk. Goody.
Today I was kind of productive which felt good. Aside from the usual napping, reading, and emailing I folded a couple batches of laundry while I ate lunch (I had to sit up to eat and digest anyway). It was take bite, fold a shirt, take a bite match some socks, and so on. I did not however make Lizzie's bed. I think I'm just going to have to let that go till next weekend when I'm off bed rest.
I also did some of the training for the new Family Search which will be rolled out in our stake next month. It is going to be so great! Temple Ready will no longer be used. People will be able to clear names for the temple in their own home! I am really excited about this and really sad that I'm going to miss stake training/fireside for family history consultants this Sunday night. Oh well. If Andrew can find my genealogy thumb drive (another small thing that I have lost) I'll be able to do some work from bed next week. That would be pretty cool.
Lizzie seems to be handling things well so far. Each morning she comes in and asks if I can get out of bed yet. No. Then she wants to know why and how much longer it will be. She keeps telling me "that's a long time." But, she seems to be enjoying her additional time with friends. Really it's just one big party for her right now.
Andrew also seems to be managing. I know he's stressed but the support that has been provided seems to have helped him feel better. Of course he seems to be pretty much convinced that the minute I'm off bed rest I'll have the baby. I keep telling him that's not necessarily true and the doctor even joked that he would probably have to induce on my due date (they won't let me go over because of our stillbirth). Still he's worried. When I was pregnant with Liz the midwife told me to start drinking a certain herbal tea to prep my uterus for childbirth. I accidentally made the first batch too strong and Andrew was certain that between that and walking up the escalator at the Rosslyn metro and the two flights of stairs to work I would send myself into early labor. He kept asking me to please not take the stairs anymore and to wait another week to drink the tea.
These pictures are from Sunday night. Lizzie asked if we could take some family pictures. She wanted some serious and some funny. I was holding the camera and I cut off all or part of Andrew's head in almost every shot.
FYI - The TLC program is for high risk pregnancies and apparently I am now enrolled in it because I just got a packet of information in the mail today along with the check-in phone call. I thought I was classified as high risk before, but apparently I've crossed into yet another dimension of risk. Goody.
Today I was kind of productive which felt good. Aside from the usual napping, reading, and emailing I folded a couple batches of laundry while I ate lunch (I had to sit up to eat and digest anyway). It was take bite, fold a shirt, take a bite match some socks, and so on. I did not however make Lizzie's bed. I think I'm just going to have to let that go till next weekend when I'm off bed rest.
I also did some of the training for the new Family Search which will be rolled out in our stake next month. It is going to be so great! Temple Ready will no longer be used. People will be able to clear names for the temple in their own home! I am really excited about this and really sad that I'm going to miss stake training/fireside for family history consultants this Sunday night. Oh well. If Andrew can find my genealogy thumb drive (another small thing that I have lost) I'll be able to do some work from bed next week. That would be pretty cool.
Lizzie seems to be handling things well so far. Each morning she comes in and asks if I can get out of bed yet. No. Then she wants to know why and how much longer it will be. She keeps telling me "that's a long time." But, she seems to be enjoying her additional time with friends. Really it's just one big party for her right now.
Andrew also seems to be managing. I know he's stressed but the support that has been provided seems to have helped him feel better. Of course he seems to be pretty much convinced that the minute I'm off bed rest I'll have the baby. I keep telling him that's not necessarily true and the doctor even joked that he would probably have to induce on my due date (they won't let me go over because of our stillbirth). Still he's worried. When I was pregnant with Liz the midwife told me to start drinking a certain herbal tea to prep my uterus for childbirth. I accidentally made the first batch too strong and Andrew was certain that between that and walking up the escalator at the Rosslyn metro and the two flights of stairs to work I would send myself into early labor. He kept asking me to please not take the stairs anymore and to wait another week to drink the tea.
These pictures are from Sunday night. Lizzie asked if we could take some family pictures. She wanted some serious and some funny. I was holding the camera and I cut off all or part of Andrew's head in almost every shot.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Day 2 Winds Down
So day two of bed rest winds down. I spent the day laying around reading, emailing, watching TV, and surfing the internet. So far so good. I only got up to eat and when I did I resisted the temptation to clean anything, except I straightened Lizzie's blanket because it was the one thing out of place in the one otherwise clean room. Other accomplishments: showering, getting myself breakfast and lunch, doing kick counts (hurray for movement!), remembering to take my pills, and finding a sub for the Family History Center tonight.
I was a little surprised by how strict bed rest is. The doctor and nurse specifically said no to: shopping, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. I had visions of me sitting propped up in bed with my laptop, laundry, and other projects, but when I clarified things I was instructed to only sit up when I eat and little bit after that to digest the food. The nurse also recommended that only I shower every other day to minimize standing. She seemed relieved that I didn't have any stairs in my home and I was relieved that I hadn't walked the eight flights up to my appointment like I usually do. I asked if I could drive thinking I could drop Drew off at the metro and Lizzie at a playdate, but they said no or more specifically, "You can drive to the doctor's office" and "You're not going anywhere your husband can use the car to drive himself to work."
I have been surprised by how much I missed Lizzie. Last night she wanted Drew to read her stories which was pretty much the only thing I could have done for her and this morning she turned down my offer to help her get dressed and do her hair if she brought everything to my bed (though I did get a sweet goodbye hug and kiss). Tonight I was happy that she wanted me to read to her. After a couple books I told her she could fall asleep in my bed and that daddy would move her later. Now she's sweetly sleeping on the other side of the bed and I can gaze at her whenever I want.
As with our situation last year, we have been amazed by how quickly our friends have stepped forward to help and comfort us. We have babysitters scheduled for Liz through next week and my visiting teacher, Carrie, already stopped by last night to deliver some soup and check in on us. We are so grateful to everyone for their love and support. Thank you.
I was a little surprised by how strict bed rest is. The doctor and nurse specifically said no to: shopping, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. I had visions of me sitting propped up in bed with my laptop, laundry, and other projects, but when I clarified things I was instructed to only sit up when I eat and little bit after that to digest the food. The nurse also recommended that only I shower every other day to minimize standing. She seemed relieved that I didn't have any stairs in my home and I was relieved that I hadn't walked the eight flights up to my appointment like I usually do. I asked if I could drive thinking I could drop Drew off at the metro and Lizzie at a playdate, but they said no or more specifically, "You can drive to the doctor's office" and "You're not going anywhere your husband can use the car to drive himself to work."
I have been surprised by how much I missed Lizzie. Last night she wanted Drew to read her stories which was pretty much the only thing I could have done for her and this morning she turned down my offer to help her get dressed and do her hair if she brought everything to my bed (though I did get a sweet goodbye hug and kiss). Tonight I was happy that she wanted me to read to her. After a couple books I told her she could fall asleep in my bed and that daddy would move her later. Now she's sweetly sleeping on the other side of the bed and I can gaze at her whenever I want.
As with our situation last year, we have been amazed by how quickly our friends have stepped forward to help and comfort us. We have babysitters scheduled for Liz through next week and my visiting teacher, Carrie, already stopped by last night to deliver some soup and check in on us. We are so grateful to everyone for their love and support. Thank you.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
10 Days of Bedrest
So, today I went to the doctor's office for my weekly non-stress test (NST) and got put on strict bed rest for 10 days!
While I was hooked up to the monitor I had three contractions so the nurse brought the doctor in to speak to me. He wanted to know how long I had been having contractions and I said I hadn't noticed any. While he was talking to me I apparently had another one that I did not feel. He and the nurse asked me if I felt tightening in my belly, lower back pain, and abdominal pressure. I was like, yeah always.
So, the doctor checked me and I'm dilated to a three which is a problem because I'm still 10 days away from my 36th week. I got two shots of some contraction-stopping medication while I was again hooked up for a NST. I also got a prescription for the same medication in a pill form that I have to take every six hours during the next ten days.
Bed rest is a very new experience for me. I don't feel sick so it's weird to just lay around when there are dishes in the sink and laundry in the hamper. Also I know the situation has significantly increased Andrew's stress level and workload which I feel badly about. I didn't like laying around reading tonight while Drew bustled around the apartment cleaning and tending to Lizzie. Laying around has also given me more time to stress about what I may have done wrong. Did I excert myself too much at the water park yesterday? Why aren't I more in tune with my body so I can notice contractions?
I'm not looking forward to bed rest, but I'm willing to comply if it will increase our chances of having living child.
While I was hooked up to the monitor I had three contractions so the nurse brought the doctor in to speak to me. He wanted to know how long I had been having contractions and I said I hadn't noticed any. While he was talking to me I apparently had another one that I did not feel. He and the nurse asked me if I felt tightening in my belly, lower back pain, and abdominal pressure. I was like, yeah always.
So, the doctor checked me and I'm dilated to a three which is a problem because I'm still 10 days away from my 36th week. I got two shots of some contraction-stopping medication while I was again hooked up for a NST. I also got a prescription for the same medication in a pill form that I have to take every six hours during the next ten days.
Bed rest is a very new experience for me. I don't feel sick so it's weird to just lay around when there are dishes in the sink and laundry in the hamper. Also I know the situation has significantly increased Andrew's stress level and workload which I feel badly about. I didn't like laying around reading tonight while Drew bustled around the apartment cleaning and tending to Lizzie. Laying around has also given me more time to stress about what I may have done wrong. Did I excert myself too much at the water park yesterday? Why aren't I more in tune with my body so I can notice contractions?
I'm not looking forward to bed rest, but I'm willing to comply if it will increase our chances of having living child.
Monday, August 18, 2008
100 POSTS!
This is my 100th post. Here are 100 things about me:
1 - I LOVE to travel.
2 - My current dream destinations are the Galapagos Islands, Antarctica, and somewhere in the "Far East" (previous dream destinations were Israel and Africa).
3 - One of my goals is to write my life history.
4 - Andrew is the first guy I dated that I didn't get bored of within a month.
5 - I obsess about holiday plans and presents months in advance (pretty much as soon as the holiday is over I start thinking of the next year).
6 - I'm a list maker (I make lists for everything and love to check them off).
7 - The worst job I ever had was at Burger King. Fast food. Enough said.
8 - I have lived in Texas, Idaho, Virginia, Utah, and Illinois (but only for 2 months in Chicago).
9 - I have done study abroads in Israel, Ecuador, South Africa, and Ukraine.
10 - I love to eat oranges, especially if someone else peels them for me.
11 - I was a victim of a "hate crime" while in Chicago (an anti-Mormon guy plowed us down with his car while my friends and I crossed the street).
12 - I am afraid of heights (or more specifically falling from heights).
13 - I have been bungee jumping (in an effort to overcome #12).
14 - I don't like public speaking, but I do like to conduct meetings (that's just enough spotlight for me).
15 - I "misplace" my keys and credit cards (and other small items like wedding rings) on a fairly regular basis.
16 - I taught sex ed in South Africa.
17 - Last year I had a root canal.
18 - I got my Bachelors and Masters degrees in Social Work.
19 - I prefer "car camping" to backpacking.
20 - I taught English and smoking cessation classes in Ukraine.
21 - I love being in the mountains, especially the Rockies.
22 - I love the smell of camping (which for me, mostly consists of vegetation and campfires).
23 - I like pens that don't have lids, just clickers. I'm really into them right now--no wasted time removing a lid that I just lose anyway (after all I lose small things).
24 - My favorite color is red.
25 - I'm periodically really into genealogy.
26 - I'm the oldest of six kids (and nine years ago I married the youngest of five).
27 - I met Drew in May 1997. We married April 1999.
28 - I was the yearbook editor in High School.
29 - My favorite meal is soup and bread.
30 - My favorite dessert is a fruit tart.
31 - Generally I'm a slow eater and don't really like eating (necessary evil).
32 - I don't like to cook (another necessary evil).
33 - I'm NOT a fan of snow, though I do appreciate a traditional white Christmas.
34 - I have never broken a bone and have only had stitches as a result of childbirth.
35 - I love to listen to thunder storms or soft rain as I drift off to sleep.
36 - For a while I got my daily dose of news from The Colbert Report (Drew said this was absolutely disgraceful and did not count as "news.")
37 - I used to be really interested in scrapbooking.
38 - Now I'm into making photo books on My Publisher.
39 - I secretly wish I knew how to sew and could make cool quilts like my mom and sister.
40 - I also secretly wish to be published.
41 - I love to read, but when I start a book I don't do much housekeeping or parenting until I finish it so I have to take breaks between them.
42 - I miss going to haunted houses at Halloween time.
43 - I also miss getting dressed up for dances (a yearly Christmas cocktail party just isn't the same).
44 - I enjoy pilates and yoga (but I'm still a novice at both).
45 - My eyeliner is tattooed on (I didn't even wear it before the tattoo so I'm glad it turned out alright).
46 - I enjoy live theater, especially musicals.
47 - I'm kind of a picky eater, but I went through a phase when I tried to be adventurous and tried cow eyeballs, guinea pig, and various fish dishes.
48 - I procrastinate. A lot.
49 - I am constantly reorganizing and I love to "purge" things from my home (or someone else's).
50 - I like to play board games.
51 - I struggle with spelling and grammar (and always have).
52 - I also often mispronounce words (such Philadelthia instead of Philadelphia), but was blissfully unaware of this until I married Drew and he pointed it out.
53 - I had to go to "resource" in elementary school to learn how to read, but at the time I thought everyone took a turn with the special tutor so I did not feel stigmatized.
54 - Despite what Andrew may think, I don' t really enjoy shopping (though he probably enjoys it even less than me).
55 - I am really nervous about sending Lizzie off to kindergarten (I'm not ready for her to be so old).
56 - I don't like to eat the edges of brownies or cakes and shamelessly take the middle piece whenever possible.
57 - I am registered as an independent and try to avoid politics in general. I find extremism or very strong party affiliation distasteful.
58 - The smell of coffee often makes me feel nauseous (especially when I'm pregnant).
59 - I enjoy being a mother more than I ever thought I would.
60 - I struggle to make scripture reading a habit.
61 - I obsess about split ends to the point that sometimes when I look at bare trees they remind me of split ends and I feel a little uncomfortable.
62 - My favorite TV shows are: So You Think You Can Dance, The Office, and Law and Order.
63 - I prefer activities to gifts for special occasions (and sometimes use these occasions to get Andrew to do day trips with me he otherwise would not agree to).
64 - I regularly try to get Andrew to agree to not exchange Christmas gifts between the two of us (he isn't even close to agreeing).
65 - Favorite outfit: jeans, white t-shirt, bandanna over my hair. The bandanna is my favorite part.
66 - Favorite flower: gerber daisies and calililies (both were in my bridal bouquet).
67 - I'm not really into jewelry and often don't even wear my wedding ring (if I don't look good without jewelry, it won't help, and if I do look good then I don't need them).
68 - I do not ski, snowboard, or play sports and currently I have no desire to learn/participate.
69 - The things I miss about being single: going dancing, late night girl talk, and having someone sit in the bathroom and talk to me while I get ready to go out.
70 - Some of the things I like about being married: companionship, more family, working together toward a common goal, someone to warm up my feet in bed, feeling safe, fun times with Drew, knowing we can be together forever, and always having someone around to carry or lift heavy things, open jars, and walk with me in the dark.
71 - I don't know how to sew or swim or drive a stick shift or speak Spanish, but I wish I could do all these things.
72 - I have read and loved all the Harry Potter books at least two times each.
73 - I prefer to have all the beds made when I leave the house in the morning.
74 - I wish I had big curly hair (just a dream though because my hair won't even hold a perm).
75 - I was very relieved when Lizzie's hair grew in dark and not blond.
76 - Pet Peeves - knuckle cracking, public teeth picking, people telling me I "should" do something (as in "You know what you should do?")
77 - I cannot tolerate spicy foods. Too painful.
78 - I had seven different piano teachers (in about three or four years) as a child and still cannot play much more than a scale.
79 - I like to watch comedies. If it's serious I would rather read about it in a book.
80 - I am scuba certified and really enjoy diving (after I empty my stomach contents or otherwise overcome my nerves).
81 - I really like to hold big snakes.
82 - My taste in music is eclectic. Lately I've been listening to musical soundtracks, Beautiful South, Fleetwood Mac, Neil Diamond, Garbage, Black Eyed Peas, and the top 40 and country music stations.
83 - I can be dramatic and controlling.
84 - I often daydream.
85 - I have a really hard time making big financial decisions.
86 - Main fears: that something terrible will happen to Drew or Liz, that I will have another stillborn baby, that I will experience physical pain, that I will be overweight forever.
87 - I had my first pedicure a day or two before my wedding, now I wish I could have it done daily.
88 - I don't have many regrets, but looking back, I often think I should have worn a bikini more because those days are so gone.
89 - I really miss living near and spending time with my siblings (luv their guts).
90 - I am inspired (and usually moved to tears) when people rise to the occasion and help one another.
91 - I am also amazed by the tremendous sacrifices parents make for their children. What wouldn't a parent do?
92 - I am proud to be a Mormon/LDS and grateful for the gospel in my life.
93 - I don't really like to chat on the phone and always prefer to talk to people in person instead (but I don't mind conversing via telephone with non-local friends and family).
94 - When I was engaged I seriously considered keeping my last name or hyphenating it.
95 - I need glasses now.
96 - It took me years to feel like I was a Nielson, not a Barnes that happened to go by Nielson.
97 - I'm surprised by how into blogging I am, having resisted even reading blogs until I started my own.
98 - I have not sampled recreational drugs or tobacco, but my mom gave me my first and last tastes of alcohol (wine) and (cold) coffee. I didn't like either flavor.
99 - I consider myself the mother of two with one on the way.
100 - I believe I will either be Jacob's mother in the next life or I will feel okay with it if I'm not (after all we'll be in Heaven).
1 - I LOVE to travel.
2 - My current dream destinations are the Galapagos Islands, Antarctica, and somewhere in the "Far East" (previous dream destinations were Israel and Africa).
3 - One of my goals is to write my life history.
4 - Andrew is the first guy I dated that I didn't get bored of within a month.
5 - I obsess about holiday plans and presents months in advance (pretty much as soon as the holiday is over I start thinking of the next year).
6 - I'm a list maker (I make lists for everything and love to check them off).
7 - The worst job I ever had was at Burger King. Fast food. Enough said.
8 - I have lived in Texas, Idaho, Virginia, Utah, and Illinois (but only for 2 months in Chicago).
9 - I have done study abroads in Israel, Ecuador, South Africa, and Ukraine.
10 - I love to eat oranges, especially if someone else peels them for me.
11 - I was a victim of a "hate crime" while in Chicago (an anti-Mormon guy plowed us down with his car while my friends and I crossed the street).
12 - I am afraid of heights (or more specifically falling from heights).
13 - I have been bungee jumping (in an effort to overcome #12).
14 - I don't like public speaking, but I do like to conduct meetings (that's just enough spotlight for me).
15 - I "misplace" my keys and credit cards (and other small items like wedding rings) on a fairly regular basis.
16 - I taught sex ed in South Africa.
17 - Last year I had a root canal.
18 - I got my Bachelors and Masters degrees in Social Work.
19 - I prefer "car camping" to backpacking.
20 - I taught English and smoking cessation classes in Ukraine.
21 - I love being in the mountains, especially the Rockies.
22 - I love the smell of camping (which for me, mostly consists of vegetation and campfires).
23 - I like pens that don't have lids, just clickers. I'm really into them right now--no wasted time removing a lid that I just lose anyway (after all I lose small things).
24 - My favorite color is red.
25 - I'm periodically really into genealogy.
26 - I'm the oldest of six kids (and nine years ago I married the youngest of five).
27 - I met Drew in May 1997. We married April 1999.
28 - I was the yearbook editor in High School.
29 - My favorite meal is soup and bread.
30 - My favorite dessert is a fruit tart.
31 - Generally I'm a slow eater and don't really like eating (necessary evil).
32 - I don't like to cook (another necessary evil).
33 - I'm NOT a fan of snow, though I do appreciate a traditional white Christmas.
34 - I have never broken a bone and have only had stitches as a result of childbirth.
35 - I love to listen to thunder storms or soft rain as I drift off to sleep.
36 - For a while I got my daily dose of news from The Colbert Report (Drew said this was absolutely disgraceful and did not count as "news.")
37 - I used to be really interested in scrapbooking.
38 - Now I'm into making photo books on My Publisher.
39 - I secretly wish I knew how to sew and could make cool quilts like my mom and sister.
40 - I also secretly wish to be published.
41 - I love to read, but when I start a book I don't do much housekeeping or parenting until I finish it so I have to take breaks between them.
42 - I miss going to haunted houses at Halloween time.
43 - I also miss getting dressed up for dances (a yearly Christmas cocktail party just isn't the same).
44 - I enjoy pilates and yoga (but I'm still a novice at both).
45 - My eyeliner is tattooed on (I didn't even wear it before the tattoo so I'm glad it turned out alright).
46 - I enjoy live theater, especially musicals.
47 - I'm kind of a picky eater, but I went through a phase when I tried to be adventurous and tried cow eyeballs, guinea pig, and various fish dishes.
48 - I procrastinate. A lot.
49 - I am constantly reorganizing and I love to "purge" things from my home (or someone else's).
50 - I like to play board games.
51 - I struggle with spelling and grammar (and always have).
52 - I also often mispronounce words (such Philadelthia instead of Philadelphia), but was blissfully unaware of this until I married Drew and he pointed it out.
53 - I had to go to "resource" in elementary school to learn how to read, but at the time I thought everyone took a turn with the special tutor so I did not feel stigmatized.
54 - Despite what Andrew may think, I don' t really enjoy shopping (though he probably enjoys it even less than me).
55 - I am really nervous about sending Lizzie off to kindergarten (I'm not ready for her to be so old).
56 - I don't like to eat the edges of brownies or cakes and shamelessly take the middle piece whenever possible.
57 - I am registered as an independent and try to avoid politics in general. I find extremism or very strong party affiliation distasteful.
58 - The smell of coffee often makes me feel nauseous (especially when I'm pregnant).
59 - I enjoy being a mother more than I ever thought I would.
60 - I struggle to make scripture reading a habit.
61 - I obsess about split ends to the point that sometimes when I look at bare trees they remind me of split ends and I feel a little uncomfortable.
62 - My favorite TV shows are: So You Think You Can Dance, The Office, and Law and Order.
63 - I prefer activities to gifts for special occasions (and sometimes use these occasions to get Andrew to do day trips with me he otherwise would not agree to).
64 - I regularly try to get Andrew to agree to not exchange Christmas gifts between the two of us (he isn't even close to agreeing).
65 - Favorite outfit: jeans, white t-shirt, bandanna over my hair. The bandanna is my favorite part.
66 - Favorite flower: gerber daisies and calililies (both were in my bridal bouquet).
67 - I'm not really into jewelry and often don't even wear my wedding ring (if I don't look good without jewelry, it won't help, and if I do look good then I don't need them).
68 - I do not ski, snowboard, or play sports and currently I have no desire to learn/participate.
69 - The things I miss about being single: going dancing, late night girl talk, and having someone sit in the bathroom and talk to me while I get ready to go out.
70 - Some of the things I like about being married: companionship, more family, working together toward a common goal, someone to warm up my feet in bed, feeling safe, fun times with Drew, knowing we can be together forever, and always having someone around to carry or lift heavy things, open jars, and walk with me in the dark.
71 - I don't know how to sew or swim or drive a stick shift or speak Spanish, but I wish I could do all these things.
72 - I have read and loved all the Harry Potter books at least two times each.
73 - I prefer to have all the beds made when I leave the house in the morning.
74 - I wish I had big curly hair (just a dream though because my hair won't even hold a perm).
75 - I was very relieved when Lizzie's hair grew in dark and not blond.
76 - Pet Peeves - knuckle cracking, public teeth picking, people telling me I "should" do something (as in "You know what you should do?")
77 - I cannot tolerate spicy foods. Too painful.
78 - I had seven different piano teachers (in about three or four years) as a child and still cannot play much more than a scale.
79 - I like to watch comedies. If it's serious I would rather read about it in a book.
80 - I am scuba certified and really enjoy diving (after I empty my stomach contents or otherwise overcome my nerves).
81 - I really like to hold big snakes.
82 - My taste in music is eclectic. Lately I've been listening to musical soundtracks, Beautiful South, Fleetwood Mac, Neil Diamond, Garbage, Black Eyed Peas, and the top 40 and country music stations.
83 - I can be dramatic and controlling.
84 - I often daydream.
85 - I have a really hard time making big financial decisions.
86 - Main fears: that something terrible will happen to Drew or Liz, that I will have another stillborn baby, that I will experience physical pain, that I will be overweight forever.
87 - I had my first pedicure a day or two before my wedding, now I wish I could have it done daily.
88 - I don't have many regrets, but looking back, I often think I should have worn a bikini more because those days are so gone.
89 - I really miss living near and spending time with my siblings (luv their guts).
90 - I am inspired (and usually moved to tears) when people rise to the occasion and help one another.
91 - I am also amazed by the tremendous sacrifices parents make for their children. What wouldn't a parent do?
92 - I am proud to be a Mormon/LDS and grateful for the gospel in my life.
93 - I don't really like to chat on the phone and always prefer to talk to people in person instead (but I don't mind conversing via telephone with non-local friends and family).
94 - When I was engaged I seriously considered keeping my last name or hyphenating it.
95 - I need glasses now.
96 - It took me years to feel like I was a Nielson, not a Barnes that happened to go by Nielson.
97 - I'm surprised by how into blogging I am, having resisted even reading blogs until I started my own.
98 - I have not sampled recreational drugs or tobacco, but my mom gave me my first and last tastes of alcohol (wine) and (cold) coffee. I didn't like either flavor.
99 - I consider myself the mother of two with one on the way.
100 - I believe I will either be Jacob's mother in the next life or I will feel okay with it if I'm not (after all we'll be in Heaven).
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Sad Morning, Happy Morning
SAD: Early yesterday morning (Saturday) we awoke to sounds of Lizzie crying in her room and saying "What should I do?! What should I do?!" over and over. Andrew went in to check on her and she tried to hide from him behind her door. Turns out she wet the bed and was very distraught. The last time this happened was in the spring AND in our bed. I was out of town. Lizzie had crawled into bed with Drew. He realized what had happened when he rolled into a wet spot. Yuck. It happened again a night or two later and then not again until this weekend.
HAPPY: This morning Lizzie awoke to find that while she slept in our room, I completely changed hers (removed a dresser & some toys, then rearranged the remaining furniture & toys). We were a little nervous that Liz would be upset by the unauthorized alterations, but when she saw it she came running into our room excitedly saying "Daddy! Daddy! Come see my room!" She thanked me and asked if I had changed things because I knew she would like it. Yup. I had also worried that Liz would be upset that we were no longer storing things under her bed because she had previously told me that with all the stuff there was no room monsters under her bed, but that did not seem to even enter into her consideration.
HAPPY: This morning Lizzie awoke to find that while she slept in our room, I completely changed hers (removed a dresser & some toys, then rearranged the remaining furniture & toys). We were a little nervous that Liz would be upset by the unauthorized alterations, but when she saw it she came running into our room excitedly saying "Daddy! Daddy! Come see my room!" She thanked me and asked if I had changed things because I knew she would like it. Yup. I had also worried that Liz would be upset that we were no longer storing things under her bed because she had previously told me that with all the stuff there was no room monsters under her bed, but that did not seem to even enter into her consideration.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Sono Update
Just got back from my sonogram. Everything looks fine so far. I'm measuring a few days bigger so they moved my due date from 9/26 to 9/22, but then told me that it's +/- 21 days. Plus or minus 21 days!? Why even bother changing it? Also the baby weights five pounds, seven ounces +/- 13 ounces. Apparently the farther you are in your pregnancy the harder it is to get accurate measurements.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Surviving
Man, I'm tired, but it's the night before a doctor's appointment (sono) so I can't seem to settle down long enough to drift off. Since I'm up I figured I might as well unload.
I feel like I've been up and down a lot lately and I suppose this will continue as I get closer to the dreaded 35th and 36th weeks, and my eventual due date. Lizzie was at a playdate this afternoon and I intended to get a lot done. Instead I crawled into bed with a bag of mini Snickers and surfed the internet until it was time to pick her up.
In general though, I feel like I'm doing pretty well. I look back and can see the progress I have made since last October. I no longer feel compelled to avoid all infants (though I have no desire to hold them and still avoid them sometimes), announcements of pregnancies and births do not reduce me to tears, I can handle Relief Society, and I have made contact with friends that I feared I would never be able to interact with again (those who had babies around the time Jacob died). Still, I'm surprised by the things that continue upset me and I imagine over the years there will be times when feelings of anger or sadness are triggered when I least expect it.
I know that the death of a loved one is not something you "get over." It is something you adjust to. Sometimes I'm surprised by how much I have adjusted and sometimes I feel guilty for feeling so good instead of feeling sad. Shortly after we lost Jacob, Drew and I started going to periodic counseling sessions. I remember the therapist telling me that there would probably be times when I would feel guilty for no longer feeling bad. At the time it seemed impossible that I would ever feel good again. Now I can't believe I'm here.
I'm 34 weeks into my current pregnancy now and it just hit me last Tuesday that I am going to give birth soon and that I might actually bring a baby home. When I was pregnant with Lizzie it seemed like my world revolved around the impending birth and it's aftermath, though I really did not know what to expect. With Jacob, I thought a lot about the baby and what our lives would be like with him--the first Christmas, the differences between boys and girls, school, scouts, mission, and so on. I haven't really thought much about life with another baby this time. It just doesn't seem real.
I have hung the only baby outfit I have purchased in my closet to remind me that we will probably have a baby, but it still seems so unreal. I keep finding myself making plans without taking an infant into consideration. I was planning to buy one piece of needed/wanted baby gear each week as a show of faith and to spread out the costs and to make the whole thing more real and so on but I haven't really stuck to that plan. Maybe I'll pick up a case of diapers at Costco tomorrow. . . .
I feel like I've been up and down a lot lately and I suppose this will continue as I get closer to the dreaded 35th and 36th weeks, and my eventual due date. Lizzie was at a playdate this afternoon and I intended to get a lot done. Instead I crawled into bed with a bag of mini Snickers and surfed the internet until it was time to pick her up.
In general though, I feel like I'm doing pretty well. I look back and can see the progress I have made since last October. I no longer feel compelled to avoid all infants (though I have no desire to hold them and still avoid them sometimes), announcements of pregnancies and births do not reduce me to tears, I can handle Relief Society, and I have made contact with friends that I feared I would never be able to interact with again (those who had babies around the time Jacob died). Still, I'm surprised by the things that continue upset me and I imagine over the years there will be times when feelings of anger or sadness are triggered when I least expect it.
I know that the death of a loved one is not something you "get over." It is something you adjust to. Sometimes I'm surprised by how much I have adjusted and sometimes I feel guilty for feeling so good instead of feeling sad. Shortly after we lost Jacob, Drew and I started going to periodic counseling sessions. I remember the therapist telling me that there would probably be times when I would feel guilty for no longer feeling bad. At the time it seemed impossible that I would ever feel good again. Now I can't believe I'm here.
I'm 34 weeks into my current pregnancy now and it just hit me last Tuesday that I am going to give birth soon and that I might actually bring a baby home. When I was pregnant with Lizzie it seemed like my world revolved around the impending birth and it's aftermath, though I really did not know what to expect. With Jacob, I thought a lot about the baby and what our lives would be like with him--the first Christmas, the differences between boys and girls, school, scouts, mission, and so on. I haven't really thought much about life with another baby this time. It just doesn't seem real.
I have hung the only baby outfit I have purchased in my closet to remind me that we will probably have a baby, but it still seems so unreal. I keep finding myself making plans without taking an infant into consideration. I was planning to buy one piece of needed/wanted baby gear each week as a show of faith and to spread out the costs and to make the whole thing more real and so on but I haven't really stuck to that plan. Maybe I'll pick up a case of diapers at Costco tomorrow. . . .
Monday, August 11, 2008
Discussing Death
We have been talking to Lizzie about death on a fairly regular basis these last couple years. It all started, when she realized that Nana and Papa were my parents she wanted to know where Drew's parents were. They are both deceased so we discussed heaven and illnesses that doctors cannot cure. It seems like once these questions died down Jacob died and we had to address that (and still are).
Then Liz started watching "Bindi the Jungle Girl" so we had to explain how the Crocodile Hunter died and is still dead even though we see him on TV sometimes, but that Bindi and most of the other people on TV are still alive. She and I are currently watching "So You Think You Can Dance" and she just asked if the dancers were "alive or dead?" Alive. "Alive like us?" Yup.
Lately Lizzie has been asking about animal deaths more. Earlier in the summer we saw some bullets in a display case and she asked what they were for.
I said, "You put them in a gun and shoot things with them."
"What things?"
"Animals and people."
She was REALLY upset about animals getting shot (but didn't say anything about the people). I explained that we need to kill animals to eat them which seemed to upset her even more. She made me promise that I would not kill any animals. Of course, Liz had no problem eating bacon and chicken nuggets later on so she didn't quite make the connection.
Then, a day or two ago she asked me, "Mommy am I hideous?"
"What does hideous mean?"
"It means really, really gross."
I told her she was definitely not hideous so she wanted to know what was. I suggested witches, but she was confused and I did not want to explain that hideous can also mean ugly so I offered vomit as an example. She suggested diarrhea and it was my turn again. All I could think of was rotting bodies which led to another complicated conversation about decomposition, animals that eat carrion, "the circle of life," and so on. She seems to understand about vultures and such, but Liz keeps asking me which animals bury the other ones.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
More baby prep
In an effort to be optimistic we have gone forward with some baby preparations. On Friday night we went to REI and bought a backpack to use as a diaper bag (with the idea that when we no longer need it for diapers it will still be useful to us). Also, I brought back our baby gear from South Carolina. I haven't unpacked it yet. I'm going to wait till I have the baby to tackle that project. Though I unfortunately noticed that I left the crucial boppy in South Carolina so we'll have to borrow one or make due without until my mom visits.
Finally, we cut more baby names. Now our list is down to a very manageable nine names. We cut: Breah, Bronwyn (didn’t like the nickname possibilities), Gavrielle/a (Drew prefers it with a B not V), Jocelyn, Katelyn, Lauren, Marissa, Melodie (I almost vetoed this when Drew first suggested it), Naomi, Olivia, Ophelia, Rachel, Sadie (according to Andrew it’s “too cutsey”), Samantha, Whitney (according to me it's "too cutesy"), and Yasmin/Yasmeen.
We kept:
Alaina - (Irish) attractive, peaceful
Amelia - (German) hardworking
Anastasia - (Greek) resurrection
Gabrielle/a - (French/Italian) devoted to God
Gretchen - (German) pearl
Gwyneth - (Welsh) white wave, white browed, new moon
Kara - (Greek, Danish) pure
Malia - (Hawaiian, Zuni, Spanish) sea of bitterness
Megan - (Greek) pearl
Finally, we cut more baby names. Now our list is down to a very manageable nine names. We cut: Breah, Bronwyn (didn’t like the nickname possibilities), Gavrielle/a (Drew prefers it with a B not V), Jocelyn, Katelyn, Lauren, Marissa, Melodie (I almost vetoed this when Drew first suggested it), Naomi, Olivia, Ophelia, Rachel, Sadie (according to Andrew it’s “too cutsey”), Samantha, Whitney (according to me it's "too cutesy"), and Yasmin/Yasmeen.
We kept:
Alaina - (Irish) attractive, peaceful
Amelia - (German) hardworking
Anastasia - (Greek) resurrection
Gabrielle/a - (French/Italian) devoted to God
Gretchen - (German) pearl
Gwyneth - (Welsh) white wave, white browed, new moon
Kara - (Greek, Danish) pure
Malia - (Hawaiian, Zuni, Spanish) sea of bitterness
Megan - (Greek) pearl
Friday, August 8, 2008
Like Mother Like Daughter
Okay, so Andrew was been telling me for awhile that he thinks Lizzie gets her stubbornness and penchant of over reactions/drama from me (although anyone who knows Drew knows how stubborn he can be). Lately I have been noticing another personality trait that may be my doing. This morning as I was doing her hair, I asked Liz if she was going to share her bows with her new baby sister. She said that she would unless the baby messed up her "pattern" (how the bows are hung on our storage ribbon) which sounds so much like me. She also recently dumped out a box of crayons and slowly put them back in saying that she needed to put them in a pattern (a.k.a. organize them). Now I don't know if this is a girl thing, a first-born thing, or a Lizzie thing. If it comes from Liz that's fine, but I hate to think I'm already unintentionally passing on my own crazy issues to my child.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Today's Highlights
(1) Today I took Lizzie to North Beach with some friends. It is a wonderful beach for kids--big wooden ship to play on, shallow water, soft sand, showers, bathrooms, and nearby funnel cake stand. We had a lot of fun, even when it started pouring. We kept thinking (hoping) the dark clouds would "blow over" so we waited too long and had to race off the beach with soaking chairs, towels, and kids. The beach workers let us wait out the rain in their umbrella shed (see above picture). We thought it would be minutes, but we ended up waiting about half an hour. Then thanks to traffic we had a three hour drive home (it only took about 50 minutes to get there).
(2) Tonight in her prayers Liz thanked God for caterpillars that turn into butterflies. She also asked Heavenly Father to please let our baby girl live and for us all to live until we are "too old."
(3) So You Think You Can Dance season finale! I was really sad when Katie was eliminated, but super excited that Joshua won. Joshua was Drew's pick for winner. I couldn't decide between Katie and Joshua (though anyone who watched the finale had to notice that Katie was in like half of the favorite dances).
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
She doesn't always throw fits
Since today we missed what I am pretty sure was Lizzie's last dance class (so that we could have our AC fixed) I decided to post some footage from a previous class. The last two are long (over a minute).
Fun times in Papa's pool
Uncle Scott tried to get Lizzie and Iris to have a chicken fight. The girls weren't into it. Lizzie was really into Uncle Scott though and would only get on his shoulders (not Aunt Codi's).
Luckily Aunt Codi had a tube Lizzie could use so she and Iris did not have yet another thing to compete over.
The girls liked pushing people around on the floaty. According to Lizzie it was a bus. Iris was the driver and Lizzie was the engine. In this picture Willa's taking a ride, but they also transported Codi.
Lizzie and Papa. On our first day in the pool, one of Lizzie's beloved water wings popped, but she seemed to manage pretty well with just one or her kickboard. Liz really enjoyed showed everyone how she could put her face in the water and "swim."
Codi and Willa. Unfortunately once Scott, Dave, and company arrived I was so busy taking pictures of Iris and Liz that I neglected to take pictures of almost anyone else. This is pretty much the only picture I have of Codi. I have others of Willa, but most of them are blurry (that kid's always on the move). I don't have a shot of Mom or myself.
Monday, August 4, 2008
We're home
Liz and I returned to DC late Monday night. This is what awaited us: 
Andrew decided to repaint the kitchen cabinets while we were gone, but he underestimated how much time it would take to complete the project. It's kind of a crazy mess here, but I appreciate all the work he's done.
Andrew decided to repaint the kitchen cabinets while we were gone, but he underestimated how much time it would take to complete the project. It's kind of a crazy mess here, but I appreciate all the work he's done.Sunday, August 3, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Trouble in Paradise
Lizzie and Iris have had a lot of fun together, but they are also fighting and competing a lot. Last night I had a girls night with my mom, Codi (sis-in-law), and Emily (soon to be sis-in-law). We enjoyed dinner and tax-free shopping. My brothers, Scott and Dave were in charge of the kids though it sounds like Scott took care of most of it. When Codi called him to check in he said that "all hell" was breaking loose. Turns out it was bedtime and the girls had fought over who got to do things first, things like: getting to the top of the stairs, getting out of the tub, and saying prayers. They also had issues with bedtime stories and songs. It all seemed to start yesterday afternoon when the girls fought over who got to ride on the back of Willa's stroller. Still despite their recent quarrels they seem to be enjoying each other's company overall.
Scott and I took the girls to a local bounce house for an afternoon of fun (somehow we haven't gotten out of house very early any day).
Codi and I spent an afternoon at the zoo with the girls. Favorite activities/exhibits included: carousel and train rides, bird house, aquarium, and dipping dots icecream.
Scott and I took the girls to a local bounce house for an afternoon of fun (somehow we haven't gotten out of house very early any day).
Codi and I spent an afternoon at the zoo with the girls. Favorite activities/exhibits included: carousel and train rides, bird house, aquarium, and dipping dots icecream.
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