Surviving

Man, I'm tired, but it's the night before a doctor's appointment (sono) so I can't seem to settle down long enough to drift off. Since I'm up I figured I might as well unload.

I feel like I've been up and down a lot lately and I suppose this will continue as I get closer to the dreaded 35th and 36th weeks, and my eventual due date. Lizzie was at a playdate this afternoon and I intended to get a lot done. Instead I crawled into bed with a bag of mini Snickers and surfed the internet until it was time to pick her up.

In general though, I feel like I'm doing pretty well. I look back and can see the progress I have made since last October. I no longer feel compelled to avoid all infants (though I have no desire to hold them and still avoid them sometimes), announcements of pregnancies and births do not reduce me to tears, I can handle Relief Society, and I have made contact with friends that I feared I would never be able to interact with again (those who had babies around the time Jacob died). Still, I'm surprised by the things that continue upset me and I imagine over the years there will be times when feelings of anger or sadness are triggered when I least expect it.

I know that the death of a loved one is not something you "get over." It is something you adjust to. Sometimes I'm surprised by how much I have adjusted and sometimes I feel guilty for feeling so good instead of feeling sad. Shortly after we lost Jacob, Drew and I started going to periodic counseling sessions. I remember the therapist telling me that there would probably be times when I would feel guilty for no longer feeling bad. At the time it seemed impossible that I would ever feel good again. Now I can't believe I'm here.

I'm 34 weeks into my current pregnancy now and it just hit me last Tuesday that I am going to give birth soon and that I might actually bring a baby home. When I was pregnant with Lizzie it seemed like my world revolved around the impending birth and it's aftermath, though I really did not know what to expect. With Jacob, I thought a lot about the baby and what our lives would be like with him--the first Christmas, the differences between boys and girls, school, scouts, mission, and so on. I haven't really thought much about life with another baby this time. It just doesn't seem real.

I have hung the only baby outfit I have purchased in my closet to remind me that we will probably have a baby, but it still seems so unreal. I keep finding myself making plans without taking an infant into consideration. I was planning to buy one piece of needed/wanted baby gear each week as a show of faith and to spread out the costs and to make the whole thing more real and so on but I haven't really stuck to that plan. Maybe I'll pick up a case of diapers at Costco tomorrow. . . .